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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29973036">Mind-Blowingly Duplicitous</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whitefenix/pseuds/Whitefenix'>Whitefenix</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Black Widow (Comics), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(implied) - Freeform, Clint Barton &amp; Natasha Romanov Friendship, Drunk Tony, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Male-Female Friendship, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Prostitution, Rebuilding, Red Room (Marvel), Self-Worth Issues, Tony Stark Feels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:27:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,607</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29973036</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whitefenix/pseuds/Whitefenix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You did this?” he asked when he started reading the file she dropped on top of the table in front of him. </p><p>“I used to do a lot of things.”  She said, half sitting in the kitchen table. “This was one of them.”</p><p>“Shit Natasha.” Steve said, closing the thick file, packed with reports and pictures and other things pertinent to the case. It was a typical brown cardboard dossier, but it didn’t have the emblematic eagle emblem that most SHIELD files had. </p><p>“Fuck- Does Stark know about this?” he asked,</p><p>“No.”</p><p>---</p><p>Originally, the prologue in chapter one was a short prompt that I did many years ago. This is an unplanned, unannounced comeback were I try to write something decent. Come along as I try to fight boredom a little over a year into this pandemic.  Thank you to all those FF writers that have miraculously come back during these troubling times that motivated me to pull up my external hard drive to look for my original file and finish writing this story. </p><p>The story is already finished, I'm posting as I re-read and edit and try to think what makes sense and what doesn't.</p><p>As always, the format is "squint and it could be part of actual canon"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>(past buckynat), Clint Barton &amp; Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov &amp; Tony Stark, Steve Rogers &amp; Natasha Romanov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>109</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. [Prologue]</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm not an actual writer. Actually I'm in science. English isn't even my first language. Now that I think about it, wtf am I doing here.  Anyway. Hope its not garbage.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>2013</p><p>“You did this?” he asked when he started reading the file she had dropped on the table in front of him.</p><p>“I used to do a lot of things.”  She said, half sitting in the kitchen table. “This was one of them.”</p><p>“Shit, Natasha.” Steve said, closing the thick file, packed with reports and pictures and other things pertinent to the case. It was a typical brown cardboard dossier, but it didn’t have the emblematic eagle emblem that most SHIELD files had.</p><p>“Fuck- Does Stark know about this?” he asked,</p><p>“No.”</p><p>She searched for Steve’s eyes, which were fixated in the mission report. Fingers digging into his palms, arms around the dossier over the table. Silence filled the room, and Steve realized she was waiting for him to look at her.</p><p>“And I trust you not to tell him. At least not yet. He’s not ready. Specially not now.” She said, without breaking eye contact.</p><p>“When did this happen?” He asked. His mouth opens slightly from what appeared to be shock.</p><p>“It says right there. April 14, 2005.”</p><p>“Natasha, you sold Stark’s weapon blueprints to the insurgents that kidnapped him in 2008. Do you realize you’re the reason why everything, literally everything happened? The Iron man suit exists because the papers you sold to the insurgents told them how to engineer Stark’s bomb against him.</p><p>Natasha was not sure what was going on behind his eyes. Was it betrayal? Anger? Or even worse disappointment, the emotion that made his eyes glaze?</p><p>“Which almost killed Tony.”  He said after a moment of silence followed by a long quiet exhale.  Maybe he thought she would explain or apologize, but there was no explanation other than selfishness and the panic induced fight or flight of trying to break away from the KGB. In the end it didn’t even matter. They took her back and made her sit on the chair and recite along with the doctors the different ballet positions. It was only a couple of years later that Clint, sent to terminate her, managed to drag her out and convince her and everyone else that she could live and make a difference.</p><p>“Why did you do this?” he asked.</p><p>The answer is that there wasn’t any reason in particular. Right place right time. Running into the intel at a weapons conference and selling it to the highest bidder. She didn’t know Tony at the time. Not even Clint. She was all alone. And on the run.</p><p>“I wanted to leave the KGB, I never learned to do anything else. I needed a way to support myself. I’m not proud of it.”</p><p>That’s why she volunteered to keep an eye on Tony when he was dying, back in 2010. Because she felt guilty even if she didn’t want to admit it. At the time, it was a mission. She never expected to be dragged into what came next. The Avengers, Hydra, Ultron, Leipzig. She didn’t expect becoming a friend of Tony either.</p><p>After the Chitauri invasion, she promised herself that she would sit him down and tell him. Just spit it out, and if he never wanted to see her again, then she would respect that. Tony was always so emotional. <em>So much like his mother</em>—read the file Peggy Carter wrote about him, and that was put into Natasha’s hands before her undercover position at Stark Industries. Emotional and impulsive, an explosive problematic combination. But he cared, almost too much, about everyone and everything. <em>A double-edged sword, just like his father.</em></p><p>“You shouldn’t be proud.” Steve said, with a slight judging tone. She’d discovered by now, after a couple of months in operational partnership, that Steve could not disguise his emotion.</p><p>“Well, don’t ask me why do I keep fighting the bad guys then. This is just one, of many other reasons. Don’t fucking ask again.”</p><p>Steve in his usual man-out-of-his-time moping, had asked her if she would ever retire. It was not a proposition, merely a question that any two friends would have. She answered with one of her witty lighthearted replies hoping it would end there.</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t think Florida would suit me Rogers. The humidity is just—she gestured towards her hair, implying messy frizzy hair by shaking her hands. --- awful. But hey, I think Hawaiian shirts would look good on you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So, you wouldn’t retire, ever?” he asked,</em>
</p><p><em>“No, I don’t think so.“ she replied. </em>Because saying <em>people in my line of work don’t really retire </em>might have been a little too depressing for the already mopey Steve.</p><p>“That’s bullshit Nat” he called her out as she was walking away.</p><p>She smiled, it took him a month of partnership to call her Nat or simply Romanoff, instead of ma’am or agent Romanoff. Steve Rogers was annoying to work with because of this. Even if she- contrary to him-could perfectly conceal her emotions, he was not the type to stay quiet or complacent when someone brushed him off. Had it been Stark, the man would have taken the hint not to push further, but Rogers was honest and demanded honesty from everyone too.</p><p>Initially, she pushed the discomfort away, but after making it to her room down in the quarters of the Helicarrier, came the guilt spiral. So many people, just so many people. Men, women and children too. Politicians, artists, scientists.  There was no morality other than whichever best served The Motherland. Retiring is a nice ending. She doesn’t deserve a nice ending. Not yet. There’s so much to do, so many things to atone for. Damn Rogers and his heightened morals for sending her down into chaos.</p><p>Fury wanted them to work together, went out of the way to make them partners. Sometimes she’d hear Maria talking about how Nick was slowly losing his sanity, maybe this was part of that, because who else decides to pair up Captain America with the Ex-soviet Russian spy, that was raised in a program created to fight him?</p><p>Rogers called her out on her shit, constantly. Three steps forward, one back. Sometimes there was a sprint forward, and a couple of weeks later, a debilitating ankle twist. Always about something that he didn’t like about her MO, or something about how he was endangering himself unnecessarily. It went on for months. Sometimes he tried to get closer. He’d ask about her, but she kept her distance. Anyway, soon came the realization that without actually telling him what she thought and who she was, he would never trust her, or Fury or SHIELD. And that was her prime directive.</p><p>Americans liked to say that the truth will set you free. But the truth is a little rough for her. She could retire. She’d tried too. But the guilt creeped on her day and night. She was back working in a month.</p><p>“Clint doesn’t know about this either.”  She said, pushing away the earlier memories.</p><p>“Fury?” Steve asked, Natasha bowed her head.</p><p>“He said he wouldn’t say anything. He has kept his promise to this date.”</p><p>“Ok.” Steve said.</p><p>“Ok what?” she asked, confused, and slightly frustrated.</p><p>“I’m just processing the information.”</p><p>“There is nothing to process. I don’t know why we’re still talking about this, I did it, it was bad, don’t tell Tony. End of discussion. I haven’t retired or left because there are so many of these. Some of them don’t even have a file.”</p><p>Steve kept quiet, he didn’t move, and neither did she. Until he assertedly decided, nodding to himself as he stood up. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. His chest and her head touched.</p><p>“Steve what are you doing.” Natasha’s body tensed up slightly rejecting him, she wasn’t sure if he could tell she wasn’t comfortable, but she tried to conceal it, just in case. <em>Sprint forward.</em></p><p>“Hugging you”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because you need it”</p><p>She didn’t argue back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Seastorm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>2015</p><p>She’d been too busy to think about it after the fall of SHIELD. It was Steve who reminded her. In a late-night call, separated by a couple of continents. They’d agreed that their locations would be hidden from one another. Just in case.</p><p>“So Nat…”</p><p>“Uh?” She wasn’t paying attention. Just having him as a background, felt comforting in the small safehouse she’d been laying low for some time now. Having him there, even if it was through a call, it simulated the constant presence she’d gotten used to during the strike team times with SHIELD.</p><p>“Remember when I asked about retirement, and you showed me your plans.”</p><p>Inconspicuous. Smart of him, in case they were listening. One could not be sure these days.</p><p>“Yes, what about them.” She answered,</p><p>“Did SHIELD know about it? I’m asking because if they know it’s...public knowledge now.” Steve said,</p><p>“I don’t… know. They shouldn’t.”  she said.</p><p>“Did you ever tell him?”</p><p>“No. I’ve caused enough pain.”</p><p>“Natasha, nothing lasts forever. Not the truth, and not the lies. He wants us to regroup the Avengers. He wants us to fight together. Can you do that without telling him what you’ve done?”</p><p>Then she remembered the reason for the call. Tony wants to regroup the Avengers. He thinks that they can do some good. At first, she doesn’t see how the dysfunctional bunch could ever consistently work together. Tony might have a soft spot for her by now. Steve was good, so was Clint. Banner…didn’t care and didn’t like her. She’d seen it in his eyes from day one. And Thor, he’s coming and going all the time. Not exactly an assault ready strike team, but maybe that was a good thing.</p><p>“I don’t know.” She replied after some thought. “Maybe I’ll be better if I don’t show up. In a team of a god, a genius and a super-soldier, what can someone like myself bring to the table?”</p><p>“You know you have a special set of skills. You’re resourceful too, its not just about the actual fight, you know that.”</p><p>“If I don’t go Tony doesn’t have to know though.” she considered.</p><p>“I know you care about him; I mean you care about all of us. I understand how its different with him. I don’t want to push you, but maybe it’s time to tell him. I know it might not feel like it, but good things can come out of it.</p><p>There was a silence in the line. She didn’t really have an answer for him and he’d just finished his whole righteous speech.</p><p>“Take care Nat” he said, and cut the line.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>2016 </em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Tony</em> </strong>
</p><p>The brace is so itchy. His body sweaty. His chest tight, and he could feel a migraine descending from the top of his head to his face. Rhodey was sleeping soundly in his hospital bed. Tony cracked his knuckles. Pushing the air in his lungs out through a forced exhale.</p><p>“You should go. I’ll stay with him.” Pepper said. She flew in in one of the stark industries jets as soon as she heard the news. Apparently, Natasha told her. <em>Or is it Natalie?</em></p><p>
  <em>I’m not the one that has to watch her back. </em>
</p><p>She said it in such a condescending manner that Tony would’ve punched his way through the wall if it wasn’t for the brace. When the rage subsided, she was already gone. She walked away like nothing, didn’t even say goodbye to Rhodey. It’s not like he wanted her to be caught by Ross, he warned of the man’s witch hunt Afterall, but sometimes, it just would feel so good to have things go his way.</p><p>“Tony are you listening to me?” Pepper asked,</p><p>“Fine, I’ll go. Call me if-“</p><p>“I’ll call you.” She said, and walked towards the chair by Rhodey’s bedside. Her elegant heels clacking against the ground.</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the world keeps spinning, even if you your friend just got shot out of the sky. The TV in the hall played their fight over and over. Germans, in their envied efficiency, were already cleaning up the debris. He took the elevator to the Helipad in silence.</p><p>Ross was waiting for him there. He and his little army of goons. As if Tony would know were Rogers and Barnes were hiding.</p><p>“I don’t know where they are. Do you think that we what- destroyed an entire airport just for show? They don’t want to see me and I don’t want to see them and that’s it. Whoever wants to join the Avengers has to sign the fucking papers and that’s it.” he said sitting down in the helicopter, Ross followed him and one of the goons signaled the pilot to take off.</p><p>“What about Romanoff?” Ross said,</p><p>“What about her? Do you think that she tells me stuff? Where she goes? After betraying me? Is anyone paying attention at all?“ Tony said looking as if someone were there to answer. He saw the crowd of goons dissolving into a black mass as they gained altitude. They were dressed in all black from head to toe and carrying semiautomatics, as if the Avengers were a handful of terrorists that one could stop with a fucking gun.</p><p>“Anthony, maybe we should talk more seriously. Please come with me.” Ross said,</p><p>“We’re on the same helicopter Ross.”</p><p>“To the facility” he said, but Tony wasn’t really listening to him. “If you don’t come with me, I’ll subpoena you, or have you arrested, and your legal team can’t do anything about it. You signed the accords.”</p><p>He went. It was his helicopter after all, just took talking to the pilot to get the aircraft to slide into a closed curved and fly to <em>the raft</em>.</p><p>On their way there, Ross talked some nonsense about his new facility to contain certain super individuals. Tony’s mind was playing Rhodey’s fall over and over. Guilt consuming him. Rage, and sadness. If they would’ve listened for once, nobody would’ve gotten hurt.</p><p>“Regarding Romanova however, we have good news. Given that her citizenship was issued by SHIELD and SHIELD turned out to be HYDRA, it is legally void, which means we can prosecute her for both her most recent act of treason and well, all of her past crimes…”</p><p>Ross hadn’t look up since he started talking, which meant he was surprised to see Tony’s face full of disgust when he looked up.</p><p>“Past crimes?”</p><p>“Yes. Espionage, political assassinations, blackmail…”</p><p>“Ross, what are you talking about, why do you think I would help you with that. Romanoff has proven herself to all of us time and time again and you want to prosecute her for the things that she did all those years ago? I’m afraid you’ll have to take me too then. You yourself would have to be put in jail.”</p><p>“You still think that this woman is on your side? She betrayed you. She let them go! She played you and toyed with you when you were dying Tony!”</p><p>Tony’s mind went back to 2010. Yes, the initial reveal of her being a SHIELD agent had hurt a little. But at the time… at the time nobody could have pushed him like Natasha did. Not Pepper or Rhodey. They were to close to him and too sensitive to deal with it. He didn’t have to explain or see the disappointment, anger and fear that Rhodey and Pepper had when they found out he was dying, because she already knew. She kept herself at a comfy distance: present and ready to assist.</p><p> “You don’t know anything about that, so please stop talking. Nat is not some random mafia boss you can just have arrested. She was there to help, unlike any of you idiots from the government, who were salivating over my suit and my tech and making my life a nightmare!”</p><p>“Did she tell you about Afghanistan?” Ross asked, his voice now lower and serious. His eyes looking for Tony, his reaction.</p><p>“What she tells me or not is not of your goddamned business!” Tony said,</p><p>“So she hasn’t. What a fucking coward.” Ross said, he signaled one of his assistants to come closer, and the young woman passed along a tablet. Ross put it on the table and slid it over to Tony’s side.</p><p>“Maybe you should read this. And after that, you can tell me how you two are such good friends.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ross is such an  power hungry asshole.<br/>I edited for less time than chapter 1, so if you see any mistakes, make sure to  shame me about it in the comments.<br/>Hope your liking it so far.  I thought about posting the entire thing at once, but chapters give a definitive divide to the story's different parts. So its small chapters for now, and probably some longer in the future.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Inspecting The Wreckage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tony gets a visit two months after the airport fight.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Alcohol abuse (nothing serious)</p><p>This is a long chapter :)  I'm really exited people are liking the story. I definitely underestimated how fulfilling writing FF is, I can't stop. That's a good thing and a bad thing. I haven't written anything in years. Its the first time I've put so much care on a fanfic too. This has been a fun experiment.  A part of me even wants to write a second part and make it a series, but NO! I must finish posting this first. </p><p> </p><p>As always, if you see any mistakes, shame me in the comments.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <em>Two months later</em> </strong>
</p><p>“Mr. Stark, a cloaked Quinjet is approaching the facilities. Should I activate the air defense protocol?”</p><p>“Who is it?”</p><p>“It’s agent Romanoff, sir.”</p><p>“You come here? Just like that?” Tony said to himself out loud, taking a sip of his second- third drink? He wasn’t sure. Nobody else lived in the base anymore. Rhodes left the country to establish himself in France, in the most advanced recovery center for traumatic spine injuries. Vision was MIA. It was just him now.</p><p>“Sir, the computer of the Quinjet has requested my assistance to land. Shall I take over the control of the aircraft?”</p><p>“Go ahead Friday.”</p><p>A couple of minutes went by and Tony felt the familiar sound of a Quinjet landing on the outside platform. He walked to the main entrance, stood on the inside of the glass doors of the complex. The engines stopped, and a figure walked out when the ramp went down.</p><p>“Friday turn on the compound’s outdoor lighting”</p><p><br/>The outside lamps turn on, and Tony recognizes Natasha’s face, but not the hair. It’s dark brown, almost black. She was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and black fashionable boots. A look far from Natasha’s style, the only thing reminiscent of her was the leather jacket. He couldn’t see her widow bites or any of her Glocks. She carried those everywhere.</p><p>Natasha saw him standing inside, and her walk slowed for an almost imperceptible millisecond. Hesitant, but she kept walking. Almost like she was unsure she should walk in.</p><p>In reality, there was nothing inside the complex that could cause her any harm, just his embarrassing drunk self.  </p><p>Nat stood for a moment on the other side of the glass door, exactly where he was standing on the inside, like an object and its reflection in a mirror. The light from the compound’s landing zone bounced of her figure giving a faint gleam to her outline. The lights inside the compound were just bright enough to transcend the glass and show her features. She didn’t say anything, just looked through the glass, maybe waiting for him to talk.</p><p>“Why are you here? I don’t want you here.” he said through the glass, not caring about spilling some of his drink on his hand. She did notice that, but again said nothing.</p><p>“Fuck off Natasha. Or Natalie. Or whatever you’re calling yourself now.” He walked away. She pushed the door and walked inside behind him. Tony walked slightly faster towards the living room, as fast as the alcohol in his blood allowed. He wasn’t extremely drunk, more like functional drunk. Could save his ass drunk, if some emergency were to happen. On his way to the living room his view started to fade, and the room was beginning to turn, so he stopped, knowing that if he continued, he could fall. He sat in the nearest couch, rubbing his eyes with his hands.</p><p>“Pepper called me. She was worried, she said you weren’t answering her calls.”</p><p>It was strange listening to her voice again. It’s been a couple of months already.</p><p><br/>“Why should I? She left me!” Tony said.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Natasha</em> </strong>
</p><p>This reminded her of old Tony. Selfish, egocentric, narcissistic. Last-birthday-ever Tony, palladium-poisoned Tony.  Not-fit-for-the-Avengers-Initiative Tony.</p><p>
  <em>God, you’re good. You are mind-blowingly duplicitous. How do you do this? You’re a triple impostor, I’ve never seen anything like it. Is there anything real about you? Do you even speak Latin? </em>
</p><p>“You realize I could call Ross right now and you would be locked up and charged with treason.” Tony threatened her.</p><p>So he wasn’t past Leipzig yet. He was angry then, but more worried about Rhodey than anything. Rhodey wasn’t there anymore, so if the anger hadn’t subsided yet, it was probably there still.</p><p>“Tony-“</p><p>“I’m serious!” he said, as he stood up and poured himself another drink from the bar. “They would charge you with treason and espionage and blackmail….and assassinations… and I’m sure so many more.” Tony looked at her in the eyes, Natasha’s face changed from concerned to neutral in a second.</p><p>“Oh, look at that. There you go. The Black Widow is here.” he said mocking her. “can you please behave like a fucking normal human for once? Does your bullshit have an on/off button?” </p><p>“You won’t.” she said, “You won’t call him.”</p><p>“How do you know that?” he asked her, half testing her, half actually interested.</p><p>“I don’t know, I hope you won’t. But I can tell you that I am here because it seems you need help and I’m the only one willing to give it to you.” she admitted to him.</p><p>“And don’t call me that please.” She said in a softer voice. Across the years she’d come to terms with her…title. There was a usefulness to the reputation. But anywhere out of the field, she despised the codename. Tony knew that, that’s why he was using it now. She decided to rise above the petty name calling.</p><p>Her phone beeped. Tony noticed. Not ideal, he would think its them.</p><p>“How are they, by the way?” He asked,</p><p><br/>“I don’t know. I haven’t seen them.” Natasha said.</p><p>”I don’t believe you” Tony said “I don’t even know why I ask you, you’re incapable of telling the truth.</p><p><em>They were forced to run and hide, thanks to you.” </em>She wanted to say, to hurt him like he was now hurting her.  Madame would be disappointed of her, taking Tony’s immature, emotion filled insults so close to heart. She didn’t expect to find him like this. Tonight was not the night for fighting.</p><p>“I’m telling you the truth.” She decided to say instead.</p><p>“Thanks, Natasha. It’s good you act like a human being occasionally. Why can’t any of you see that I was trying to do the good thing!”</p><p>“I am a human being, contrary to popular belief, it seems. You should’ve realized…we should’ve realized that the Sokovian accords weren’t the right way to do so.” She said, and walked away into the dormitory section, putting some distance between them, hoping that the waters would calm. He didn’t follow.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Control Natalia, control.</em>
</p><p>The words resonated in her brain. Natasha headed for her old room, not intending to enter it or do anything inside it, she just needed to walk around and clear her mind. Tony was drunk. Very, very drunk. Maybe the drinking has been constant for a while now, maybe it’s a one-time thing. There were purple bags under his eyes, which were also puffy and red, probably because he hadn’t been sleeping. She got to her room. The door was open. There was nothing in it. A little bit of a shock. She walked to the middle of the room, it looked bigger without her stuff.</p><p>Her room had been simple, and at the same time, personal. Some decorative lights hung over her bed frame. There was a large collection of books on a big shelf section. A desk with a lamp on it, more decorative than anything. There was one picture with Wanda and Sam, a blurry selfie from one afternoon post training. Her closet had basic everyday clothes, a couple of formal dresses and armor, a weird but functional combination.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Tony</em> </strong>
</p><p>Natasha walked away to somewhere. He had no intention of following her. If she was here to take something, then so be it. There was no point in trying to stop her if there weren’t any avengers in the first place and there was nothing here that could remotely serve her for anything. Maybe it was the migraine beginning to surface that stopped him in reality.</p><p>Some minutes went by, and there was no sound. The paranoia got the best of him. What could she be doing? Nothing really, but something <em>maybe</em>. He  stood, and followed the path he though she had followed.</p><p>If he was coming back to the complex in a long time, he would go to his room. To lay down or just feel the comfort of familiarity. There she was, standing in the dark, for some reason. </p><p>“They took all of your stuff. And Steve’s, and Wanda’s, and everybody’s” Tony said, sniffing. Trying to compose himself. Pinching the bridge of his nose when Natasha turned on the lights. She’d been standing in almost complete darkness without even noticing. “Some Accords clause allowed for it.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, I took everything that mattered from here before they came anyway.” She said, pausing and walking towards him. She got close to him, putting her hand on his shoulder and caressing it slowly, they were silent for a moment. </p><p>“Tony?”  she said, breaking the silence between them.</p><p>“Natasha” he said, using her name seriously for the first time since she arrived. Calling her Natalie was just a way for him to make her uncomfortable. Something to try to get her to give in, to budge, to express something.</p><p>“How long you’ve been drinking like this?” she asked,</p><p>“This has nothing to do with you. I’ll drink as much as I want, and whenever I want to. I don’t want your pity Natalie, or your help.” Tony said, to push her buttons. Mocking her, reminding her of her betrayal early in their relationship.</p><p>Maybe if he’d been sober, he wouldn’t have been so mean. There part of him that wanted to receive her with open arms into the compound like the old days was there for sure, but it was being held hostage by both the alcohol and a yet incomparable level of rage. It struck him. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know that he knows.</p><p>Anger filled every part of his body. His hands were shaky but they could surely fist and while he would never win a fight against her without his suit, she wouldn’t expect him to hit a blow on her face right now. He wants her to feel the pain and the anger that she’s made him feel.  Blood is pumping, his breathing accelerates.</p><p>“Tony” she calls, but he says nothing.</p><p>“Just leave me the fuck alone. Get whatever you came here to get and then leave… and don’t fucking come back.” He said, walking away and leaving her. “Just make sure you’re not taking any of my tech with you.”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <em>Natasha</em> </strong>
</p><p>She didn't follow him, she had to give him some space... If he was close to calling Ross when she arrived, it was better no to keep giving him reasons. She knew that Tony regarded these questions about his sobriety as an unsolicited intrusion into his personal life. They always were, he wasn’t one to share his personal struggles.</p><p>It’s just Tony being Tony. But there was something that made her mental alarms trigger. There was something about how he said it. Espionage...treason. But murders and blackmail?  It could just be him adding it for dramatism, it wouldn’t be strange for him to do so. He blurt out his address in live TV to the Mandarin, this could be something like that.</p><p>Maybe he did call Ross, and he was keeping her around long enough for who knows how many trigger-happy swat teams to storm in and take her. She’d be taken to the raft, if she was lucky. Imprisoning Captain America’s allies would be different from imprisoning her. The raft was nice compared to other places she’d been in. But Tony had been there, at the Raft. He’d seen Wanda. They would give her a rougher treatment than Wanda, as horrible as the witch’s experience was. He wouldn’t do that to her. Its not Ross, he’s not calling Ross. </p><p>
  <em>Just make sure you’re not taking any of my tech with you.</em>
</p><p>She’s never taken his tech. That he knows of. Unless he knows about that. But nobody knew of that. There was the small possibility that she had just made up all of it in her head. She certainly wished for it.</p><p>Just in case, she contemplated.</p><p>Who had he been talking to? Could Ross know? It wasn’t Fury, he promised. If it was, Natasha herself would hunt him down and hang him by his fingers. It clearly wasn't Steve. He wouldn't do that to her, he wouldn’t even think about it. They’re not even in speaking terms right now.</p><p>Apart from them, no one else knew.</p><p>Unless it was HYDRA who bought her information all along. And if it was, then trying to help Tony now might be more like unleashing a nuclear explosion rather than putting out a fire.</p><p>She considered leaving. Record a voice message. Maybe a video, because otherwise she’d give him more excuses for him to call her a robot or some other nod to her lack of humanity.</p><p>At some point in their shared history Steve became the embodiment of the typical American cartoon of the angel on his shoulder. She sometimes carried out the fantasy in her mind’s eye. A little angel with Steve’s stupid face in it.</p><p>Steve wouldn't leave. Steve would sit next to Tony until there's nothing left but to face him and talk. And apologize. Looking into his eyes and maybe let go of a giggle and hugging. Saying something like I<em> didn't mean to, I regret it, and I'm sorry I hurt you. </em></p><p>At least one of those things was true. Intention? She didn’t mean to. she was desperate. Desperate to get out of the world of espionage.</p><p><em>I'm sorry I hurt you Tony. </em>She pictured herself say in her head. The hurt<em>.</em> That was definitely real.</p><p>On the other shoulder, was Madame B, the devil. Not necessarily cartoonishly evil, but truly cruel. <em>Its them or us Natalia. Killed or be killed. If you kill him, you live. If you live, you’ll do great things. Its them or us. </em>The psychotic dichotomy of the morality instilled by her masters was part of her identity as was her name, and also reason for a deep self-hatred that took years to get out of her head. She would have sold those plans ten times over, if it meant she could finally break free from the Red Room.<em> It’s me or them.</em> But not if she’d known Tony.</p><p>Along the years and with the help of Clint, the <em>Its me or them</em> became <em>Its us or them </em>and eventually turned <em>into its all of us or none of us</em>. Like when they stood on a flying Sokovia, waiting for it to leave the earth’s atmosphere. They shouldn’t leave just because they had their own ships.</p><p>Tony's back, still mad. The glass in his hand.  Maybe he'd drank more between he left her standing in her room and came back. She waits for him to say something. He wanted to say something. He wouldn’t have come back just to stand there.</p><p>There was no time left to dive into that controlled panic that took over when her body and mind was filled with emotions. There was no time to put back all those thoughts in their little locked boxes and make sure they couldn't be opened.</p><p>"You know what?” he said, calm. “There have been so many times that I've defended you. Not when you first came to Stark Industries, back then I was a little more... focused on myself. But you helped me get out of my own well of misery and I was grateful.”</p><p>The man took a breath and exhaled.</p><p>“I considered you a permanent, timeless ally. We fought Ivan Vanko, then Loki and the Chitauri. My team of lawyers spent months blocking the government from accessing <em>your</em> information that I rescued from the internet <em>myself</em> when SHIELD fell and your stormy past was available for anyone to read. I gave you a whole floor in the tower. There are no cameras, no one can enter unless it's with your explicit permission. Because I know how much you value your privacy. I understand that many times you had to hide it for safety or who knows what other reason. I don’t ask.”</p><p>“Tony-“</p><p>"Shut up. Let me monologue. Don't you dare interrupt me" he said, raising his left hand with a pointing finger, holding her thought.</p><p>"And then came Germany. Of course, we had Ultron in between that. You were hooked on Bruce and there was no way to dissuade you. Now that I wonder... was some part of that romance truthful? Although to be honest we all knew it didn't have much of a future."</p><p>"That's not very nice of you" she said, with her eyes away from Tony.</p><p>"I said shut up, woman." That made her snap in position. She didn’t move, but their eyes crossed, both pairs glassy. She crossed her arms, her jacket rustling filled the room with sound. There were no other sounds.</p><p>"Then came Germany. And it hurt. I'm not talking about the Avengers splitting up, I'm not even talking about Rhodey. What hurt me the most was when you betrayed me. You could have given me a head up, that you were going to drop us. We would have saved quite a bit of time. We talked about it at the hospital. I called your ass out. You told me to watch my back. And then you left. You didn't even say goodbye to Rhodey. You didn’t even see Pepper, who pretty much kicked me out of the hospital."</p><p>"I even after the shame of fucking up so badly that I fought my friends, I didn't feel as angry as I felt when Ross gave me a Tablet with a 12-page report detailing how the plans for my tech were acquired by the Afghans, the ones that caused me to have to carry a piece of metal on my chest for years- which by the way, almost killed me. But you know that, you were there." He said.<br/><br/></p><p>"Code name Black Widow. Russian. Young. Close quarters combat specialist.  Allies unknown so far. Organization unknown so far. Suspected date of operation April 2005. Afghanistan.”</p><p>"Then I wondered if this was all a sinister plan from SHIELD or even HYDRA for me to develop my technology back then. But it would’ve been shocking if they had guessed or foreseen what came next. I didn’t know I was going to create the suit, how would they know. So, I had to accept that you did this because you were in the moment and place. You didn't know me, you didn't care. It's understandable, I was frankly unpleasant back then.</p><p>I could have left it there. But I already had your files. SHIELD's. I could check if this info Ross was giving me was real. But there was nothing about it there. And then I realized you'd probably deliberately hid it. <em>At least she was ashamed</em>, I said to myself, and with that thought I tried to comfort myself."</p><p>There was a long silence after that. Tony looked at her, she couldn’t look back. All those little boxes carefully safeguarding her emotions were rattling. Demanding to be left out. Year ago, they wouldn’t have budged. But Tony was a friend. Like a brother, much like Steve was. They spent countless nights of insomnia talking in the common floor, or when he couldn’t find her there, the gym. There she would run and he would monologue. She wasn’t particularly talkative, and Tony was characteristically hyperverbal.</p><p>They were a good match. Sometimes the talk was light, banal things like the bachelor’s newest episode or trying to get her to admit who had put coffee beans in the sink. Other times it was darker. About the people they were, who they had hurt, what they wish their lives could’ve been.</p><p>
  <em>Can I ask you something personal? If this was the last birthday party you were going to have, what would you do?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I would do whatever I wanted to do, with whomever I wanted to do it with. </em>
</p><p>“Say something dammit!” Tony threw the glass in his hand. Natasha barely ducked. It shattered on the wall behind her. He knew she would dodge. She was surprised he didn’t aim for her face.</p><p>“Would you believe me if I said that I don’t know what to say?” Natasha said, slowly turning around away from him. Looking at the wall were the glass just shattered. The broken glass was an excuse really, so she could turn around and not face him.</p><p>“You’re just…despicable. Not just a coward. It’s disgusting. It is enraging.” Tony said. “Say something.”</p><p>Natasha dropped to a narrow squat, making herself smaller, almost pulling her head between her knees. Her hair fell towards over her face and Tony could faintly tell the red roots of her hair beginning to show under the brown.</p><p>“Fine, take your time, I don’t mind waiting for another couple of minutes, even hours, I mean what’s an hour to the years that have been!”</p><p>She falls backwards from the squat. Finally sitting down, still pulling her knees closer. One of her hands pushes the hair away from her face.</p><p>“I didn’t want to hurt you” she said in a low, quiet voice. Almost mumbling. She was still facing away from him. She clears her throat. “I thought- I wanted to tell you. But I knew how much it would hurt. It would hurt because it happened and because I was responsible. It would be an unforgivable betrayal of trust. So, I did the math. Fury knew. SHIELD didn’t. I made him promise he wouldn’t say. Ever. I buried it. Killed the few remaining assholes that did that to you. I figured I couldn’t undo it, so why not…pretend it never happened in the first place.”<br/><br/>“I think vision has more emotional intelligence than you do, Romanoff.”</p><p>“Probably” she said. Her eyes finally ventured towards Tony’s. “I know I’m horrible already. I…I don’t need you to tell me.”  She looked away in shame, “If it makes you feel better go ahead. But just know, that every time I see you, I remember what I did. I have for the last 6 years. Every day since I walked into that stupid training room in your house in Malibu. I didn’t even want to take the fucking assignment.”</p><p>“Guilt took you there? Is that why you decided to barge into my life? So I was your guilt scapegoat too. Cool.”</p><p>“Barton made me take the assignment. It was about accountability. Taking action over my past mistakes.” She explained,</p><p>“So Barton knows. Anybody else? Does everybody else but me know about this?” Tony asked in disbelief.                                                         </p><p>“He doesn’t. He didn’t ask. He doesn’t know.” She said, picking up the squat and turning her upper body around to finally face Tony. “Rogers knows. In case you think I haven’t been lectured over the ethics of my choices already. He’s wanted me to tell you for years. But I’m a coward, I hide and I Lie.” She said standing up and walking away.</p><p>“<span class="u">Y</span>ou’re going to walk away?”</p><p>“I don’t want me here either. Answer Pepper’s calls. Don’t fall asleep and choke in your own vomit.” She said, and quietly crossed the door towards the hall and away from Tony.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well there you go. This was a fun chapter to write.  Editing is fun because I get to inspect every little detail and come up with new stuff and new connections and emotions that I hadn't thought about in the beginning. This fic was like 16k originally and its coming  up to 18k  now.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Low Tide</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A necessary cry for help.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well here it is. Somehow I managed to recover parts of the chapter that I thought I lost. <br/>I was looking for an appropriate chapter title and found that "low tide" match the energy that this chapter brings, to me at least. </p><p> </p><p>(For that one person that asked me to move away from the pain, at least this one's a little lighter.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She walked back to the Quinjet at a fast pace. She considered running. Panic makes you want to run.</p><p>
  <em>Answer the phone </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Answer the phone </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Answer the phone</em>
</p><p>“Nat? Its 2 A.M-“</p><p>“I need to talk. I need to tell you something. I need to talk to someone.” She said,</p><p>“Calm down, what is it? What’s going on, are you hurt? Where are you?” Clint’s voice was always soothing to hear. Even when concerned, like he was now.</p><p>“I’m fine. I mean, I’m not physically hurt. I just fucked up so bad, Clint.” She said,</p><p>“Hold on, I’m- Just- where are you? Send me your location, I’ll take me a couple of days to get there for sure but if you need me-“</p><p>“I’m in the States.”</p><p>The man was quiet. She could picture him perfectly. He was at the farm, in his bed, Laura sleeping soundly beside him. He’s a light sleeper, probably caught the ringing before it could wake Laura. He’s probably sitting up now, tangled in the sheets.</p><p>“Nat what the fuck. What are you doing here? Are you safe?” he asked, he didn’t sound very happy about her being in the country that had half its intelligence looking for her and the others.</p><p>“Yes. I was at the compound-”</p><p>“What the fuck-” there’s whispers on the other side of the line, Laura for sure. She would have to apologize some other day, for waking her in the middle of the night.</p><p>“Nat… Come to the farm. I’ll pick you up” he said after the whispers subsided.</p><p>“No, it’s too dangerous-“</p><p>“They dropped the surveillance on us weeks ago. Come. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you. Or in your head. But you don’t sound ok.”</p><p>Had it been any other person on the other side of the line, they wouldn’t have noticed her tone. It was almost an intimate thing, for him to know only by her voice that she wasn’t alright. There is no point on trying to keep her facades with him, that is both anguishing and strangely relaxing.</p><p>“Nat I wouldn’t be offering if I wasn’t sure we’re safe. You know that. So slow down that brain of yours, and trust me.”</p><p>Weighing in the chances, she still had to wait a couple of days before leaving the states. A flight in closely followed by a flight out would be a red alert in anyone’s system.</p><p>“I’ll fly to our usual meeting location.” She said after some hesitance.</p><p>“Are you well enough to fly?” he asked,</p><p>“I don’t really have an option” she said. ”I’m in a Quinjet, it will pretty much fly itself. Don’t worry”</p><p>“Hang in there, see you in a bit.” The man said, and hung up.</p><p>When the call ends, she already inside the Quinjet, the ramp closing behind her as she walks up to the cockpit and sits down. It’s so quiet. Annoyingly quiet. Not that it was loud with Tony, apart from his voice, and the shattering glass. It’s that she wishes there was some sound to distract her from her thoughts. She takes a breath and slowly exhales, stretches her hands in the air. Still tremoring from the talk with Tony.</p><p>She concentrates in the practical.</p><p>Punch in the coordinates. Preflight check. Seatbelt.</p><p>The machine starts whirring under her, and after some seconds she feels the distinct bump of ground lift-off. There isn’t much more to do, the autopilot would do the rest for her.</p><p>The flight is a little fuzzy, from both the shock and the blurriness in her eyes, from holding the tears inside. She didn’t deserve to mourn such a dishonest friendship on her side.</p><p>Tony didn’t call Ross, or else she’d be surrounded by American fighter jets already.  She’d be taken to the Raft or somewhere worse. They could, not that someone would intercede for her. It wouldn’t be just <em>you’re under arrest, you’ll be coming with us. </em>Imprisoning Captain America’s friends was not the same as imprisoning her. They had reasons to put her in jail.</p><p>She puts her feet on the dash and looks out the window. At this speed and altitude cities look like little specs of light. Some bigger than others, but always interluded by big patches of darkness. Forests or bare fields ready to be worked on. She follows each spec as soon as it enters her view, until it fades away. It helps her calm down. <em>Try</em> to calm down. </p><p>Eventually the Quinjet begins to decent without a warning. The integrated autopilot always has everything under control, she wonders why she bothers to seat in the cockpit. The spec of light below her slowly grows to a city, and the aircraft flies over it. It moves towards a considerably bigger patch of mostly darkness. And then it hovers in a poorly kept field.</p><p>This piece of land was on sale a couple of years ago. Clint bought it. The plan was to use it as farmland, but also as a strategic location, in case he had to land somewhere near enough the farm, but not in the farm.</p><p>High grass hides the plane as it lands and when she walks outside, the Quinjet camouflages as it closes the ramp.</p><p>It’s a cold night. There’s a figure standing a few meters away from where she stands.</p><p>“Hey” she hears the shadowy man say. It’s Clint, she knows his stance. He’s just Clint. No fancy bows, no body armor.</p><p>“I don’t think we should go to the farm. Its better if we just talk here, I don’t want to put Laura or your kids in any harm’s way.” She said,</p><p>“We’ll see about that” Clint said, walking towards her, testing the waters. “You ok? Can I come close and hug you?”</p><p>Of course he would ask to come close. Last time she called him like this, he walked around with bruised ribs for a week. It was a reflex, fight or flight. Her brain chose for her and he suffered the consequences.</p><p>“Yes, I’m good. I mean, I’m me. Your fine. Come here” She said, lifting her arms. The man came in for a hug and she received him, putting her arms around his torso as the man embraced her.</p><p>“You’re gonna hate me Clint. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to start.”</p><p>“I could never hate you. You know that.”  He said,</p><p>“I didn’t want to call you. I would’ve called Rogers but I can’t tell him that I met with Tony-“</p><p>“You should explain then. I don’t know why you were meeting tony either.  I can’t leave the state, but if that idiot hurt you, I’ll be happy to break parole to go punch him in the face.” Clint said releasing her from the hug and looking her in the eyes, brushing her sidearms, “you sound like your mind is all over the place.”</p><p>“This is what I get when I care about people.” Clint frowned at her comment,</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked,</p><p>“Tony found out I sold some schematics to the Afghans. Stolen schematics.” She said.</p><p>“And why would Tony be angry about it?”</p><p>“Because the Afghans reversed engineered these schematics… and attacked his convoy in 2008.”</p><p>---</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Clint</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>“Are you talking about…but you were already with SHIELD in 2008, it couldn’t have been you.”</p><p>“It was before, in 2005. And believe me, it was me. I gave them the schematics for the Jericho missile. Didn’t even sell them for what they were worth. It was just intel I stole from an asshole in a stupid conference. He stole them from someone else probably.”</p><p>“Ok…Ok that is horrible. But you couldn’t have known they would do that. You didn’t even know the guy.”</p><p>“But he got hurt. and was held prisoner. And everything that has happened to him along the years, everything stems from the fact that he was attacked.”</p><p>She leaned forward and put her forehead against his chest. He didn’t question it, just put one of his hands on the backside of her head and the other on her shoulder.</p><p>A lot of things began to link together for him. Why she didn’t want the assignment back in 2010, why she looked away every time that Tony took his shirt off the first few years (yes, he noticed). How did he not notice that there was something about it was a question much harder to answer, and Nat was too distraught about the situation for him to beat himself up about it.</p><p>Even with this revelation, he still couldn’t understand the bigger picture. Sure, the States weren’t as dangerous for her now, not like they were a couple of months ago when the accords were going on. But still it was a risk to come here.</p><p>Probing her with more questions could worsen her state. Her hands were trembling, and not from the cold. She grew up in the cold and could stand it. Her breaths are short and fast, quiet. Apart from the faint sound of her exhales, its muscles spasms more than anything. The kind you get from crying in silence.</p><p>“I need you to tell me what to do, Clint. What a normal fucking human would do.” she said after a moment.</p><p>“Well, there is no thing as a normal fucking human, but If you ask me, I’d accept my friends offering for a shower and a bed. Nice food, coffee, a conversation.”</p><p>“It’s too dangerous.” she says quietly, almost like a whisper.  </p><p>“Don’t be like that. You trust me, don’t you? So, if I tell you that its safe, you should believe me.” The man smiled at her.</p><p>She stood in silence then, for a few more minutes. Her eyes fixated on the ground.</p><p>Her phone rings, and she pulls it out of her back pocket. It stays in her hand without unlocking, like she’s frozen. He reaches to take it from her hand, slowly, she’d noticed at some point, what was that he was doing.</p><p>She doesn’t, and when he turns the phone around the screen reads VP.</p><p>Virginia Potts. Clint hangs up, and Natasha finally looks at him when silence surrounds them again.</p><p>“You’ll call her back later.” He said, offering his hand. She takes it and they walk in silence to his car.</p><p>“The kids are going to be pretty excited that auntie Nat is visiting.” He said once they were in the highway. It would be 20 minutes at most. Natasha didn’t answer. Her mind was somewhere else, but she smiled in acknowledgement.</p><p>---</p><p>Clint parked the car in the driveway and they walked into the porch quietly, Laura was waiting on the other side of the door. The woman hugged Nat and told her to go to <em>her room</em>.</p><p>The guest room, but really her room. They didn’t have many other guests, not enough to have her room be anyone else’s, or be just the guest room.</p><p>“Laura has an early morning, so she’s going back to bed.” He said, when the woman went away. Natasha walked to the stairs,  he stopped her by holding her arm gently as she was going up the stairs, she looked down to him. Big eyes, traces of mascara that was practically gone now.</p><p>“Are you sad?” he asked, trying to get her to talk. She’d been quiet since they got in the car. “Is that why you’re not talking?”</p><p>“It’s that and the shame.” She said.</p><p>Natasha wasn’t a sociopath, as much as the world tried to put the label on her, people that were close to her knew that she was a caring person. She could feel emotions like anyone else. The fact that she didn’t allow herself to do so, was the problem. It took her years to let herself feel and to share what she felt truthfully.</p><p><em>At least she’s talking. </em> He thought to himself.</p><p>“I renovated the guest room’s bathroom. It has a bathtub now. If you would like to take a bath.” He said, “Or shower if you want.”</p><p>“I’ll shower. I promise I’ll tell you after that.” She said, and walked up the stairs and away into the bathroom. He’d have to fix that creaky bathroom door one of these days.</p><p>Maybe she would cry in the shower. No matter how much she’d grown in the years of them knowing each other, she was still a strong-person-who-didn’t-cry-in-front-of-others. He laid down on the bed waiting for her. Looking at the ceiling. He really should remove the popcorn ceiling, it is hideous. The window frames could do some varnish and insulation foam. Oh, and the curtains needed washing. Always something to fix in this damn house.</p><p>She came out of the bathroom in the bathrobe and sat by his side. There was no longer makeup in her face and her hair was wet. The smell of shampoo filled the air.</p><p>It made him smile. Natasha liked to repeat that this was the guest room and not her room. But it was <em>her</em> bathrobe hanging behind the bathroom door, and the shampoo was the brand that she liked, and the nightstand’s top drawer had <em>her</em> spare phone charger inside of it.</p><p>“OK. Uh, I already told you about the schematics.” She said, her hand running through her wet hair.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Pepper called a week ago. She asked about Tony. If I knew anything about him. She mentioned that she’d heard that tony wasn’t in the best...state. I told her that I hadn’t heard from him since Leipzig.</p><p>I told her I couldn’t do anything about it. I was too far away. So she told me not to worry, that she could ask someone else. I told her not to do it, that I would do a little research and call her back.</p><p>“Pepper doesn’t call me- has never called me about Tony- if it’s not because she is very concerned. You didn’t know him at the time, but when I was assigned, Tony was drinking a lot. He was dealing with a lot, compensated by drinking his problems away. But Fury came along and pushed him in the right direction.”</p><p>He groaned, “You were the one that did the heavy lifting, along with Coulson. Fury just pointed around his finger and said get this done.” She rolled her eyes at his comment.</p><p> “Fine, let’s say it was teamwork” he compromised, “Continue.”</p><p>“After the whole Vanko deal, he went back to normal, or at least, less noticeable. He and Pepper were happy…and the rest is history, you know it.</p><p>I think Pepper calling me was a desperate act to check on Tony without compromising herself. She’s fresh out of their relationship. She still cares. But she doesn’t want to be with him so she calls me.</p><p>I decided to fly back and take one of Tony’s Quinjets back to the compound. He never removed my clearance from the logs so I still have access to most of the premises."</p><p>She drops by his side on the bed,</p><p>“I suppose Friday told him that I was coming because he was expecting me  when I got there. He was drunk. Really drunk. Sweating alcohol, slurred speech drunk.”</p><p>“I’ve never seen him like that.” Clint interrupted.</p><p>“Tony has always been very good at hiding how he feels. And what he does to cope. He built an army of suits before admitting he had an anxiety problem.</p><p>“He started threatening with calling Ross, and saying I was traitor, this and that. I didn’t take it personally because I’ve seen him drunk before and I’ve seen him pissed before. He’s always been a little dramatic and I could take the beating. Then he mentioned some stuff about how Ross wanted to prosecute me for blackmail and murder and the way he said it… I just knew that he knew and its like my entire body wanted to run crawl into a ball and stay there…like a…fucking turtle pushing herself into her shell.”</p><p>“He confronted me- Well, more like he monologued and I just stood there trying to keep it together…then he threw a glass at me- I dodged it by the way-  Now that I think about, I should have let it hit me straight in the face. Maybe that would’ve hurt less.</p><p>He asked for an explanation, and I didn’t have one. I didn’t even know where to start. I didn’t have anything to say- and then he said that vision had more emotional intelligence than I did and then I walked away.”</p><p>“Ouch.”</p><p>“Yep” she said, popping the p sound, looking at him with teary eyes.</p><p>“It’s ok to cry” he reassured her,</p><p>“I can’t stop crying Barton, the problem is not starting, its stopping.”</p><p>“Well Vision can’t cry. That I know of. So checkmate Stark!” he said, eliciting a smile from her.</p><p>“I don’t know what I would have done in your position, Nat”</p><p>“Probably the right thing”</p><p>“The right thing being…?”</p><p>“Telling him. Not being a coward. Being honest and facing the consequences.”</p><p>“I wasn’t a good person either around those times.” He said, he had his own fare of morally dubious jobs before SHIELD. “It’s too easy for you to paint me like a saint sometimes. It makes it easier for you to be the devil. Everything that I have today I fought for. I am not perfect and neither are you. You couldn’t have known what the Afghans would with those plans. That’s like blaming Tony for the deaths that his weapons caused.”</p><p>“He blames himself for that, your example is shit.” she teased.</p><p>“It’s like me blaming myself for Coulson’s death.” He then said, followed by an exhale. “You said it yourself at the time. I can’t blame myself for things out of my control. And I can’t mourn decisions that I already took. You told me to look ahead. That the wounds would heal and scar and fade away.”</p><p>She looked at him with a faint smile and a little embarrassment. She elbowed him on the side.</p><p>“Ow! Hey! You said that yourself! Your Russian, melodramatic ass said that!” they laughed, she wiped some of her tears away.</p><p>“What are you going to do next?” he asked,</p><p>“I’m worried about tony.”</p><p>“Then go back.”</p><p>“I don’t think he wants me there. Ever.”</p><p>“I think he was just hurt.” he admitted</p><p>“I think that’s an understatement.” Natasha said,</p><p>“You told me you didn’t want to see me when I first told you about Laura. You were pissed I didn’t tell you from the beginning. You were pissed I had a child and you didn’t know. You pushed me away just like Tony is doing now.”</p><p>“Yeah yeah, and then you waited around like a clingy bitch and I got over it.” she said,</p><p>“Learned much you have, young padawan” Clint said in a poor imitation of master Yoda’s voice. Absolutely ridiculous, cringe worthy imitation.</p><p>“I can’t go with you Nat, I wish I could. He might have said that he doesn’t want to see you, but if you walk away now… I think that’s what’s going to make him push you away forever. So my advice is that you go. If he didn’t call Ross, then he won’t call him when you go back. “Tony has been betrayed so many times. Hurt so many times-“</p><p>“The exact reason why I decided not to tell him in the first place” she interrupted,</p><p>“But now he knows and you can’t avoid it any longer. You have to make a decision.”</p><p>---</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Natasha </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>He left her room after a long comforting hug. She laid on the bed and though about how Clint’s been saying that he’s going to remove the old ceiling for years.</p><p>She should have said hi to Laura, instead of just staring. Her phone makes a little alert sound, the battery is low. She moves to the night table and pulls out the charger. There’s a piece of paper in the drawer, she pulls it too. When she’s plugging in the phone there’s another chime, its Pepper, hoping for an update. She turns off the phone and moves on to the mysterious paper left in the night table.</p><p>It’s a butterfly drawing. Pink and purple wings, yellow antennas, and with a big smile in her face. The corner is signed <em>Lila</em>. She must have left it for her from the last time she was in the farm. Just weeks after Ultron.</p><p><em>“Sleep here, you can head out in the morning. Tony can wait a few hours, he’ll be fine.” </em> Clint said before heading out.  This house was one of the few places in which her mind allowed her to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. She simply wrapped herself with sheets and covers and pillows and drift off.</p><p>---</p><p>The next morning she was up at dawn. Natasha had the terrible habit of rising with the sun even when tired. In any other occasion, she would’ve gone for a run around the property. Clint had set up a couple of trails to train while staying home.</p><p> “If you leave before the kids see you, they’ll make my life impossible.” Laura said, when she saw her go out of her room.</p><p>With three children and a farm, thinking Laura would be asleep at this hour would have been a fantasy worthy of a Disney movie.</p><p>“I’m not leaving yet” Natasha said. “but I’m leaving early.”</p><p>“How are you Nat?” Laura was always so nice, so caring, perfectly checking on her without asking any of the details or probing her for answers.</p><p>“I’m better. I’m sorry Clint left last night. I didn’t want him to. He insisted. And you know how he is.”</p><p>“I don’t mind. I’m sure it was an emergency.” She said, with a smile in her face, walking away towards the stairs.</p><p>It wasn’t an emergency, except it was. She was a little embarrassed to admit it. even more when it meant pulling away a married man from his wife at 2 AM just because she was panicking over some stupid fight with a friend. Except it wasn’t just a friend and it wasn’t just a fight. However it was, Laura had way too much patience and was way too nice. Clint deserved her more than anything. Her and this happy farm life he built for himself.</p><p>The kids woke up just over 20 minutes later. It was a school day. She, Laura, and Clint were having coffee when they heard running down the stairs.</p><p>“No running!” Laura and Clint said in unison,</p><p>“Auntie Nat! Auntie Nat!“ Lila and Cooper jumped unto her laughing</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Lila asked, “And why is your hair…brown?”</p><p>The young girl didn’t seem to care for the reason, she was just excited to see Natasha. But Laura quickly moved them over to their seats for proper breakfast.</p><p>“The bus will be here in 5 minutes guys!” Clint said. “Make sure to have everything packed. Cooper where’s your history book?”</p><p>“I put it in his backpack honey” Laura said, finishing up packing the kids’ lunch bags.</p><p>Clint’s farm life was always hectic, but soothing. Normal. Traditional.</p><p>“Are you staying auntie Nat?” Lila said after finishing the eggs that Laura made for her,</p><p>“Auntie Nat is leaving today, she was close by, so we invited her home so she wouldn’t have to go to a hotel.” Clint explained.</p><p>“But I just woke up and now I have school how am I supposed to show her-“</p><p>The loud brake system of the arriving bus interrupted the explaining.</p><p>“She’ll come by soon enough again” Clint said, taking the lunch boxes into his hands and giving one to each. Cooper and Lila bolted to the door, only stopping for a goodbye kiss from their parents.</p><p>The door closed behind them and Laura and Clint stood quietly looking out the window, making sure both kids got in the bus. The house was noticeably quieter.</p><p>“Lila is so tall. Cooper too. I haven’t seen them in- six months? How is it possible that they’re so tall?”</p><p>“Coop is just a boy, the grow all the time, but Lila is hitting puberty already. I think she’s going to be taller than I am.” Laura said.</p><p>There’s a joy particular to seeing kids grow. Its unique, and incomparable to any other joy. She might never have this, but seeing Clint have it, that was enough.</p><p>“I don’t think they should have seen me. What if they say something? I don’t mean intentionally…They’re kids after all, they could slip and say something about auntie Nat and you’d have 5 SWAT teams breaking down your door, looking for me.”</p><p>“Relax Nat. they know not to mention anything that goes on in the house when it comes to guests.”</p><p>“I don’t want to put so much responsibility on children” Natasha said,</p><p>“They’re fine. They love you and adore seeing you.” Clint said, holding Laura. Looking at the bus drive away.</p><p>Laura excused herself to the bathroom for a shower, but really it was so that Clint and her could talk in private.</p><p>“So, are you doing this?” he asked,</p><p>“Yes. I think so. I need to.” She said,</p><p>“I’ll drive you back.”</p><p>The drive was swift. In a couple of minutes, they were back at the field. The Quinjet revealed itself and Clint did the preflight check for her, as she wrote some quick letters to Clint’s kids. They looked so excited when she was there this morning… she’d be gone already for when they came back from school. So notes was the way to go.</p><p>“It’s all done Nat. I can’t really go with you, but if you need anything, call me.” Clint held her shoulders as she wrote to Lila, thanking her for the drawing in her nightstand.</p><p>“Thank you, Clint. I mean it. I was a little fucked up last night.” She admitted, “More than a little, to be honest.”</p><p>“The doors of the Barton farm will always be open for you. Whatever you need. I’ll always be there.”</p><p>“Thank you.” She kissed him on the cheek. He smiled and let out a giggle, he always made European-greeting-tradition jokes whenever she kissed him like that.</p><p>Clint walked down the ramp of the Quinjet and it closed behind him. The engines rumbled and the ship took off at her command.</p><p>The field grew smaller and smaller and so did Clint’s waving figure she was flying over a bed of clouds. There were a couple of beeps here and there. But the flight was uneventful. She pulled out her phone, Pepper’s texts were still unread.</p><p>
  <em>I’m trying not to think about it. The temptation of flying away is intense right now</em>
</p><p>She texted Clint.</p><p>
  <em>Big girl pants on Nat.</em>
</p><p>He texted back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Red Tide</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Natasha goes back to confront her relationship with tony.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Damn these Stark Industries Quinjets. It would be the first time she’d ever wished for an aircraft to go <em>slower</em>. It felt like a single blink. One moment, she’s saying goodbye, the next on the autopilot assistant is asking her about the descent.</p><p>“Miss Romanoff, should I request permission to land?”</p><p>She knows why the whole thing feels so sudden. It’s the nerves. Yes, the nerves. The ones madame B would have dismissed as a pointless childish emotion.<em>  Emotions aren’t a weakness Nat. They’re there for a reason. Don’t dismiss them so easily. </em>Clint’s voice resonated in her mind as she typed in the necessary protocols for landing. <em>Big girl pants. </em> </p><p>“Request permission to land.” She said, Tony loved to have voice activated tech in everything. It was a little exhausting, but useful in case of emergency.  </p><p>The aircraft began descent diving into the bed of clouds and coming out to the Avenger’s compound and the green fields surrounding it. No Ross at sight yet. Nobody in sight. Actually, looks like no one’s home.</p><p>She walks the path to the entrance of the premises in silence. The exact same path she walked just a few hours ago, only at night, illuminated by outdoor lamps. The same glass door waits for her to come in, there is no Tony on the other side to awkwardly stare at her this time.</p><p><em>Did he leave? </em>He could have. There were as many reasons to live as there were none.</p><p>When she walked to the main living room, there he was. Passed out in yesterday’s clothes, feet on top of the couch, even though he was adamant that nobody put their feet on the couch back when everyone was here. His arm on his head, blocking away the light from his eyes.</p><p>She tried to make as much noise as possible, so he would be aware that there was someone. That she was there, walking towards him.</p><p>“Get your feet of the couch” she said, as an icebreaker, even though he was asleep and probably didn’t hear her come in anyway.</p><p>There was a snort from Tony, who was still covering his eyes. He was a little confused, but put his feet away from the couch like she told him.</p><p>He then opened one eye, peeking, and sighed.</p><p>“Just leave god! I sure hope you don’t stab me with some weird injection of something like last time you betrayed me! Oh wait, that wasn’t last time. The time before that.” He said, turning away, back to sleep.</p><p>“Tony…”</p><p>“Fuck off Romanoff.” He said, “it even rhymes.”</p><p>“I really don’t want to leave you.” she said,</p><p>“You turned around the Quinjet because you didn’t want to leave me? I said I didn’t want you here. God. You're like a puppy, a little lost, repentant puppy. What part of you thinks it's a good idea to stay after screwing up this hard?”</p><p>“The part of me that would like to feel normal. Someone who wants to be held accountable. Look, I’m going to be <em>honest, </em>like you want me to be. I'm here to ask for your forgiveness. Second, I'm here to ask for another chance. You know how things are, you have my SHIELD files and I imagine you heard enough when SHIELD fell too. If you've been talking to Ross ... then it's almost understandable that you don't even want to look at my face. I don’t even know what that asshole has on me.”</p><p>He groaned, sat up in the couch.</p><p>“I can’t have this conversation right now Natasha. I seriously can’t.”</p><p>“Then go to bed, and we’ll have it when you’re feeling better.”</p><p>“Don’t you understand? I don’t want to talk to you.” He said.</p><p>“Full honesty? Ok, I don’t want to talk to you either.  It scares the crap out of me.” She said, offering her hand to him. He looked at it unsure of if he should take it. Neither of them was particularly avid in the physical comfort department.</p><p>“I’ll help you to your room.” She said.</p><p>“I don’t want you to take me to my room. I don’t want…” he’s words cut of as he tried to rub a migraine away by massaging his forehead. He then rubbed his eyes and stretched his back, sitting on the couch.</p><p>“Friday lights to 20%” he said, and Friday complied.</p><p>Natasha looked at him concerned.</p><p>“It’s not what you- “Tony tried to explain.</p><p>“How do you know what I’m thinking” Natasha said,</p><p>“It’s not like that.” He said, putting the least convincing serious face. “I’m not drinking.”</p><p>Natasha raised an eyebrow at him.</p><p>“<em>Drinkin</em><em>g </em>drinking, I mean.” He pointed out. “I was just having one, you crashed my solo party. I got angry… I drank more.”</p><p> </p><p>She waited, he wanted to say something.</p><p>“I can’t stand you right now” he said after looking at her in silence for what felt like the awkwardness of an entire minute of eye contact. “you said you were trying full honesty. Let me be honest. Your face makes me want to rig this entire compound to blow. Just make something blow up. That’s the anger talking. But it’s me. I’m angry. That’s how I feel right now.”</p><p>Tony walked away. She decided not to follow. He stood halfway to the exit. Not sure which direction to take. He took a left, the direction opposite to his quarters.</p><p>She once took out an entire 25 soldier squadron, the physical exhaustion was intense. Almost as intense as this five-minute conversation.</p><p>She sat on the couch were Tony previously passed out. She let her head rest back. So many memories arose from being back in it. Wanda meditating when she though everyone was out of the compound, red light streams filling the room and decorations just flying around along with it. Clint watching a movie that one time that he brought the kids with him. Tony and Steve discussing that rumor about Fury’s missing eye.</p><p>She looked towards the wall facing away from the couch. It was a glass panel. Behind the glass panel was a big conference room with enough chairs to sit the team and 5 other people. It was in that table that things began to crumble. Tony sat away from the rest of the team that day. She called him out on his silence. <em> Characteristically non-hyperverbal.</em></p><p>The accords were not something any of them were expecting.</p><p>She let some minutes go by, Tony did not come back. So she ventured. Following his path to the left, the only thing on that side of the compound was the med bay. She found him sitting in one of the beds, trying to insert an IV into his arm. They all did that sometimes. If a bag of fluids can get you to 100% in a couple of hours, and you spent the last night drinking, and the supplies are on Tony’s expense, why not get hooked up the morning after a big party and be training by 10.</p><p>The compound was stocked with medical supplies, that meant hungover-curing banana bags too. Cho’s idea, after a particularly hard morning after drinking.</p><p>“I can do that for you” she offered. Still standing relatively far away from him, almost trying not to annoy him with her presence.</p><p>“I’m can do it by myself thank you.” he answered, while clearly struggling.</p><p>“Doesn’t mean that you have to.” She said, slowly walking to him. He didn’t pay much attention, which felt like a good thing. She extended her hands forward towards his. The elastic was already in place over his bicep. His veins were popping up already, enough to insert the line. She looked for the go ahead in his eyes.</p><p>He was full of anger; anyone could see that. He didn’t say anything, just put some disinfectant over the vein and let her take over without breaking eye contact.</p><p>“You know, for a person who says they regret it, you don’t look like you do. But fine, you never look like any emotion anyway- Ouch.”</p><p>The line was in. she secured it in place with some tape, then tapped some buttons on the bed adjacent screen. The computer pumped away fluids.</p><p>“Your hungover should be gone in an hour.” she said. “And in my world, in my childhood, showing emotion meant showing weakness, and weakness makes you a prey, not a predator. I do feel. I just keep it to myself. You do the same thing.” She said. “I wasn’t permitted to be truthful when I was young. I got used to it.”</p><p>“Yeah well, it ain’t worth it to be truthful. Look where being truthful got me” he said, gesturing himself and the empty compound.</p><p>“Look what it got me.” She said.</p><p>“At least I was honest about everything.” He pointed out. “Not just <em>some </em>things, some convenient things.” He said,</p><p>“Tony… I’ve wanted to go back to that day I sold those schematics since we met. I wish I’d never done it.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me.” He asked, a slight tone of frustration in his voice. She knows he’s hurt. He hasn’t said it yet, he’s only mentioned his anger, but she knows he’s hurt.</p><p>“I was ashamed Tony.  I am ashamed. And guilty, and I hate myself for it. But it’s out. You know. Its real now. You know about it. I can’t take it away and I can’t hide it. You know, and you don’t like me, but I don’t want this to wash away everything we’ve done along the years.”</p><p>
  <em>I’ve worked to hard for this life for it to end by a lie. </em>
</p><p>She decided to keep that last thought to herself. He knew of course, that she’d done awful shit in the past, but It would be hard to explain the chain of events and unaddressed emotions that led her to Clint, and SHIELD, then the Avengers and somehow to this compound sitting by him waiting for the fluids to finish balancing out his physiology. Maybe later, if she was feeling brave.</p><p>“Uh- not to step on your moment but- our entire relationship stands on multiple dishonesties <em>by you</em>. But you know what? I can leave those behind, ignore them. The good you’ve done to me is better than any bad. But this thing…this thing fucks me up to a whole new level.” he said, meaning the schematics.</p><p>“This doesn’t wash away everything good that we’ve done together. It’s not about that. I’ve worked with people I don’t like before, I can do that. If we need to, we’ll keep going up and beating bad guys, even if it means that I’ll be pissed the entire time.</p><p>You were talking about total honesty before, take some total honesty from me: I’m embarrassed to have let you so close. I tell myself that its okay to put my walls down, and then people like you come along and make me put them right back up with shit like this.”</p><p>He sighed, brushing his hands through his hair, almost aggressively.</p><p>In his talk, he didn’t notice Natasha, who had slowly moved away, sitting on the opposite corner of the bed. The space between them now seemed abysmal. Nor did he notice that her green eyes, which were looking at the ground since he had spoken, were swollen. Then he realized that Natasha was trying not to cry. It wasn't comforting, he was still enraged by the lie. But understood that repentance was real. He didn't quite understand why she was hiding her tears, when most people would cry when feeling sad or sorry. "You can cry Nat. Showing emotion is ok."</p><p>“I know. I just- don’t want you to think that I’m trying to manipulate you.” she admitted,</p><p>“I would never think that.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I know I’ve been a bad friend. I haven’t even checked on you. I lied to you for years…and even without that, my entire existence, people have known me for deceiving and manipulating.”</p><p>“If you were trying to manipulate me, I’d be able to tell.”</p><p>“I’m sorry about this. I’m so sorry I don’t even know how to fix this, or what to do.”</p><p>“There is nothing to do Nat. you can’t fix this. We won’t be the same people that we were. At least not right now.”</p><p>“I would have called Ross. If it had been the other way around, I would have. You have a big heart, Tony” she said,</p><p>“Since I removed the shrapnel, yeah I still got one.” he said, but was met with a stare and silence. “It’s…a joke. I’m trying to cope Nat.”</p><p>“I don’t think I’m ready for the jokes yet.” she said.</p><p>The machine interrupted them, warning that the process had finished. Tony removed the IV.</p><p>"Do you feel better?" she asked,</p><p>"More or less" he said, leaning back, the air feeling uncomfortable. Like Tony wanted to say something. He closed his eyes, bringing his hands behind his neck.</p><p>"I want to know." He admitted, “If were going to go back to where we were. If we’re going to try to get to where we were, then I need to know.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Maybe you noticed, all chapters except for the prologue have sea related names. There is no other reason than I felt like it. </p><p>In case you didn't know tho, I'll leave the description of the red tie phenomenon, which is incredibly disruptive in nature. </p><p>Red tides are a common name for algal blooms, which are large concentrations of aquatic microorganisms. The upwelling of nutrients from the sea floor, often following massive storms, provides for the algae and triggers bloom events.  Where red tides occur, dead fish wash up on shore for up to two weeks after a red tide has been through the area. In addition to killing fish, the toxic algae contaminate shellfish. But not all red tides are harmful.</p><p>*just google red tide phenomenon if you want to know more.*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Maelstrom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nat and Tony talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's another chapter, were heading into the falling action already. Some part of me wants to edit forever. Cause when i finish editing, its over :U </p><p>Thanks for all the comments, i love to read what you have to say, so make sure to leave a comment if you haven't!!</p><p>If you see something weird or misspelled, make sure to tell me :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"What do you want to know?"</p><p>"Don't use those little spy phrases, you already know what I want to know."</p><p>She took a deep breath, wiping the corner of her right eye with a knuckle.</p><p>“At the time, I wasn’t with the Russians. Neither with SHIELD. I was trying to put it behind me actually." she smiled wistfully, "It seems that I did not realize that you can’t pretend to leave behind the line of work you are in, if to get out, you sell your expertise in that line."</p><p>“I was at one of these arms dealer parties-conferences. You know how they are. It's actually like 30% networking, 70% gossip. Mostly getting high and hiring escorts. One of those who was there, high, comments to his partner that he has received some interesting papers about one of the weapons from Stark Industries.</p><p>"You were…?"</p><p>"I was posing as one of the escorts, companion to the one who had received the papers."</p><p>He looked a little concerned.</p><p>“They’re usually fucked up enough to ask for sex, and if they do, I distracted them until they either forgot or passed out.” She said, hoping that would calm the airs. Tony was protective over the smallest things sometimes, not that it was any of his business in reality, but at least it gave him some sense of control, the one he usually yearned for. He wasn’t a saint, they both knew he had his fair share of prostitute-escorts walking around the tower at some point. That’s why he knew how women were treated, not by himself, but he’d seen assholes take advantage of these girls.  At least he checked out the age, treated them fairly, sent a car to wherever they had to go the day after. It was a lonely time for him, and those women brought him the company he thought he needed. That all ended after the suit.</p><p>She did have sex with some of them. The nice ones, and the not so nice ones, those that went limp enough for her to get anything she needed from them after. Like taking candy from a child, one could say. It was easy for her, to give them what they wanted and take what she needed on exchange. Tony doesn’t need to know this part.</p><p>“The rest was simple. I waited to find out where the info was stored, I stole it and then sold it to whoever offered more." She said, “The rest is history.”</p><p>“That’s it?” he said,</p><p>“That’s it.” she repeated.</p><p>He didn’t know why it was that he was waiting for a big dramatic reveal to the story. She said that it was a long time ago. She’d pretty much pointed out that her involvement was minimal. A little regret came around. Last night, he unleashed the angry drunk that he carries inside him on her. It’s been years since last time it was this bad. Last time around, she stabbed him in the neck. This time, it was in the arm and he knew about it before it happened. One could say it was a form of progress.</p><p>“Karma bit you in the ass, Romanoff.” He tried softening the tension.</p><p>“Somebody has to hold me accountable.” She said,</p><p>“I wish you would’ve told me.”</p><p>“I wish I could’ve had the courage to do so.” She said, leaning back on the wall in her little spot, all the way on the other end of the medical bed.</p><p>Tony feels conflicted. Last night he was angry. Anger is a simple emotion. You feel it, then you push it in or out. Then you deal with the consequences. These were the consequences. There’s a sad Natasha sitting far off on the other end of the bed. One side wants to comfort her, bring her in and leave it all behind, act like their pre-Leipzig relationship still stood. Unconditional trust and camaraderie. The other, doesn’t want to see her, doesn’t want to talk to her. Wants her out of the complex as soon as possible.</p><p>So many ways this can go wrong.</p><p>“Where do we go from here? I don’t even know how to- where to- I don’t trust you Nat.” he finally said.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“I mean I do, in the field, of course I do. Were teammates. If you tell me to jump I will. But in our personal life we’ve never had reasons to trust each other.” He said,</p><p>“That’s usually how all of my relationships go, Stark. Don’t take it personally.” Natasha said,</p><p>“I don’t like that. For me or for you. I don’t know how you do it. But I don’t want that.”</p><p>“That’s what you get from me, I’m sorry I can’t give you more.”</p><p>“That’s bullshit Nat.”</p><p>
  <em>That’s bullshit Nat</em>
</p><p>Steve’s voice resonated in her head.</p><p>“Nat.” he said,</p><p>“Tony.” She responded,</p><p>“You like to pretend like you’re so distant from me. Like we are office colleagues that see each other five days a week, 9 to 5. We’ve lived together and fought together. You’re always there when I need you. You’re here now! And I bitched so hard on you last night, and you’re still here! I may not trust you, but I care about you. I know you probably don’t believe me, We’re similar like that. We don’t believe we deserve anyone’s care.” Tony admitted.</p><p>“Can’t argue with that.” She responded,</p><p>Tony smiled. “That’s not something we should be laughing about.”</p><p>“Rogers would be concerned” she said,</p><p>“Oh, you know he’d be equally as mopey-“ Tony interrupted himself with a stretch and a yawn.</p><p> “When was the last time you slept?”</p><p>“A full night? I don’t know, I don’t remember. A week ago, maybe a little more.”</p><p>“Then you’re going straight to bed.” She said. Natasha was cautious enough to take his arm slowly. She understood what he said about trust, and physical trust was part of it. He allowed for it, offering his arm. They walked to the elevator together. Like a first step after an injury.</p><p>Some time ago, when they moved into the facility, he said they could choose the location of their rooms, that it could be underground or surface level. She chose to have a real window. Tony, on the other side, liked having his room underground, he didn’t use it much at the time anyway, since he was always at the lab.</p><p>“Don’t you want to eat first? Its almost lunch time. We’ll order food, have a drink. You can tell me all of the spy things you’ve been doing lately”</p><p>“We are not having drinks. Straight to bed, and I’m not telling you anything. Not right now at least.”</p><p>She dragged him to his room, dropped him onto his bed. He groaned from the landing.</p><p>“You can crash in the guest room.” Tony said.</p><p>“That’s very kind of you. The living room couch is horrible…Tony?”</p><p>She heard him mumble something incoherent. He would probably fall asleep in a couple of minutes.</p><p>The walk to the guest room was strange. Almost like a walk of shame. On the way, she unbuttoned her bra and took off her jacket. She ran her fingers through her hair. Tony was drunk the night before. Natasha arrived without even thinking that she would have to face the truth, or Tony. But it didn't seem like he was ready either, almost like it got out of hand. Either way, at some point it would have come  out. The problem is, that instead of having his close circle with him, he was alone, surrounded only by his armed suits and a complex of Avengers without any actual  Avengers in it.</p><p>And alcohol. All the alcohol he could drink.</p><p>Tony always had a problem with going a bit far, with pushing the limits. Luckily, never enough to actually have a drug problem. Alcohol was as far as he took it, when talking about recurring drug use.</p><p>When you are the child of wealthy parents, and especially when your father is a successful inventor with narcissistic traits; drugs, parties, and girls make up for the therapy you should have received as a child. Therapy, a reality far from the frivolous brutality of the Red Room, known for its gloomy aesthetic and hatred for ostentation and luxury.</p><p>Although she could get certain pleasures here and there. Long baths in large bathtubs, after slaughtering some ostentatious bourgeois. The silk ball gowns that she was supposed to return when she got back to the ramshackle department X building. Those short post-mission getaways before extraction, with the soldier.</p><p>The memory of James made her smile as she walked into the guest room. But no. This is not the time to think about him. This brings back the conflict inside her. Her former self would bury it by all means possible. She would do that, not even taking into consideration that her James is also Steve's Bucky, who is the unfortunate murderer of Tony's parents.</p><p><em>Natalia</em> wants to hide and have James just to herself, just them, frozen in time.</p><p><em>Natasha</em> loved James, but she also loves Tony and Steve and all the people she’s has fought with over the years. Those people deserve the truth.</p><p>Steve could wait. That would be a transcendental realization for him. No need to rush it or bring it up unannounced. When the time came, she would tell him. She tried to imagine his reaction; she couldn’t quite picture it. Maybe with some luck, if James never mentions it, she’d never have to tell Steve, and they’re story could be forever theirs.</p><p>Her relationship with Tony would not bear another lie. No more lies or detours. Even if for her it is not a lie, maybe just an avoidance. Because talking about the soldier, about James, it hurts.</p><p>There was that part of her that wanted to keep her story with James secret. But Ross already knew about the schematics, he could know so much more. So many other things. He could know about Barnes’ past in the Red Room and he had already shown no respect for her privacy. So she would have to tell them at some point.</p><p>When she got to the guest room, she went directly to bed, turning off the light to try to fall asleep. It wasn't that easy. Being back at the compound brought dozens of memories to her mind. And they didn't want to go.</p><p>Its Clint's voice praising minimalist luxury the first time he visited. It's Wanda shyly asking her how to turn on the coffee machine the first few days she was here. It's the collective laugh when Sam explains how a man in a little suit who calls himself Ant-man kicked his ass.</p><p>The not so good memories pop in too. The tense fights between Tony and Steve. Wanda's nightmares that made all their rooms glow with red streams that entered your head. Her own nightmare ridden nights, those same nights when Tony was in the lab or in the same sofa he was in today, worried about something. The ones where they talked until dawn.</p><p>Hours went by. Her mind was all over the place. James first, she pushed that away. Then Steve and Bucky, then her life in this building, and her friends. Her family. She didn’t sleep.</p><p> </p><p>“Rise and shine princess.” She said as the lights turned on and the screen that acted as a window displayed a penthouse view of central Manhattan.</p><p>“Ughh…. fuck….” Tony growled, rubbing his eyes.</p><p>“Yup, you’re not thirty anymore.” She said, pouring him a cup of coffee from the jug she’d brought from the main floor.</p><p>“Aren’t these banana bags supposed to make the hungover go away? “ he said and looked at her estranged.</p><p>“Maybe if you ate something every now and then…”</p><p>“<span class="u">S</span>hhhh make some coffee please.” Tony said, walking into the bathroom.</p><p>“You’re really lucky I feel like shit about lying to you” Natasha said.</p><p>She moved to the kitchen when she heard the shower run. A shower is always a good sign. The fridge is depressingly empty, apart from some eggs and other basic ingredients. She cooked him up an omelet. Tony appeared with his hair damp and a clean shirt, along with some comfortable pants and yes, pink crocks. They were Pepper’s.</p><p>“What are you still doing here.” He asked, “I don’t mean it in the bad way, just- really what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I already told you. Pepper called, she was concerned. Before you ask, no I don’t know why she didn’t come herself, she’s probably busy running your company. Drink your coffee and shut up. I made eggs too, you could do with some protein.”</p><p>“Why are you so bossy? and I didn’t mention Pepper, you did.” Tony said sipping his coffee.</p><p>“She says you haven’t answered her calls.” Natasha said.</p><p> </p><p>“I never answer my calls.”</p><p> </p><p>“You do when it’s Pepper.”</p><p> </p><p>“I forgot to call her back.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s bullshit. You know it. What’s up Tony, tell me.”</p><p>“There’s nothing up. I’m just living my life…Pepper left me.” He said, looking for her eyes.  </p><p>“I already knew that.” She said, Tony looked puzzled. “You want me to lie? I talk to Pepper. She confides in me, as weird as it may sound.”</p><p>“You worked together for like, 6 months!”</p><p>“And I infiltrated your company at the same time, we’re still friends.” She smirked, “I hope.” He didn’t respond.</p><p>“So, you’re here on Peppers orders. But I don’t know anything else about what you’ve been up to. Why should I share anything, so you can report back to Steve about my miserable life?”</p><p>“I haven’t seen them Tony, I already told you. They left, the last time I saw him was Leipzig. I signed the accords, I don’t belong in his team.”</p><p>“Where have you been then?”</p><p>“All over the world, because I’m a fugitive.” She said, without being too specific.</p><p>“And you risk coming to the states just to check on your friend’s ex?”</p><p>“I didn’t just do it for Pepper, she’s not the only friend involved. No matter how much of an asshole you were in Germany. Friendship is something quite special.”</p><p>“Yeah I learned that one when Rogers pushed his SHIELD through my arc reactor. Him and his little puppy-eyes Barnes. Do you think those two ever…?” he raised eyebrows.</p><p>“I have…no idea.” she admitted, after giving it some thought. Men in those times didn’t share like they could now. It was a sin religiously and a crime legally.</p><p>James kissing Rogers flew past her minds eye. Definitely strange, but not shocking. The image was replaced by James kissing her. Reaching down…a hand between her legs… she pushed all those thoughts away.</p><p>“Listen Tony…”</p><p>“Oh god. Here we go again”</p><p>“Hey don’t laugh, this is serious.” she said, “I have to tell you something.”</p><p>“Come on, spit it out Nat, it can’t be worse than anything I’ve heard from you in the last 24 hours.</p><p>He was right, karma was really biting her in the ass lately.</p><p>“It’s not so simple as just spitting it out.”</p><p>“When I was in the red room, training and perfecting my skills, the board decided to send someone to train us. So that we could learn from him. I was young and a bit rebellious. They only put up with my misdeeds because I was the most promising candidate to date. They were still quite strict, there are many things that I did not have as a child. It makes sense; when you’re creating spies with murderous tendencies, love or affection or trust are not important.</p><p>She realized that she had unconsciously diverted the conversation away from James, the boxes holding her delicate emotions trembled, but she managed to keep her insides quiet enough to keep talking.</p><p>“A couple of years went by, this trainer, came and went. By then I was, let's say I was a graduate of the program. They started sending me on missions with him.”</p><p>She interrupted the story. All this time she had been alternating her eyes between the various items on the table: the silverware, the plate, Tony's hands, the cup of steaming coffee. Only then did she manage to push against her mind, that part that was screaming <em>let's get out of here, </em>to be able to tell Tony one of her deepest secrets.</p><p>Tony awaited her response, in total silence save for the chewing sounds.</p><p>“He was handsome. Strong. Gentlemanly. He didn't speak much. Well, we didn't waste time talking, to be honest." she said smiling.</p><p>"Ohhh! Natasha!"</p><p>“I fell in love with him and the board noticed and we parted ways. They made us part ways. "</p><p>“I am so sorry Romanoff. They’re assholes"</p><p>"It was a long time ago." She said, a little flustered. "The point is that-" she said, taking a deep breath. "This is the part-"</p><p>"Romanoff, are you okay?" Tony looked a little concerned.</p><p>“This soldier they sent to train me was not Russian. He told me his name once. His name was James. We never went into detail about how he got to department X. Nor did we talk about why he had a metal arm."</p><p>Tony was silent. He really fell silent. He was already quiet before, but now he had even stopped chewing. Natasha didn't blame him. It’s shocking. Scandalous even. She already knew.</p><p>“When they separated us, I never saw him again. Until 2009, when he shot me - well, not me, my scientist. The one I was protecting. Spotted him from far away. He was wearing a mask, I recognized him exclusively by the arm."</p><p>Tony took the coffee mug in one hand, and blew on it to drink a little. Still silent.</p><p>"The rest is history. You know the rest. SHIELD falls and he's there. Doesn’t recognize me. Two months ago, he still doesn't recognize me. And the truth is, I don't think he’ll ever again. And maybe it's better this way. I wanted to tell you, because I know that he… killed your parents. And if you found out about this without me being the one telling you ... I don't want you to think I’m lying to you again, Tony. So there you go. Honesty."</p><p>“I’m surprised Ross didn’t share that one with you” she said, with Tony still silent. “It’s kinda juicy.”</p><p>“Ross knows?”</p><p>“Maybe. I don’t know. <em>Probably. </em>But at least you won’t hear it from him. I only have to tell Steve about it now.”</p><p>“Rogers doesn’t know??”</p><p>She shook her head from left to right.</p><p>“You’re in love with the Winter Soldier. Barnes. Bucky Barnes- “</p><p>“I’m not in love with the winter soldier”</p><p>
  <em>Painful, but she’d live.</em>
</p><p>“I don’t know Bucky. I knew James, the winter soldier. Things get complicated. I don’t think that he’s the person that he was when I met him. Maybe that’s for good. And I’m not in love with him.”</p><p>“You were in love with the man that killed my parents”</p><p>“They made him do that. Department X conscience manipulation was the best at the time.”</p><p>“How is it that things keep getting…so dramatically complicated? What year was this?”</p><p>“I don’t know, I don’t remember” she said.</p><p>Tony was silent, eyes wide open, fork in hand. Shaking his head some, like there was an argument going inside his head. She slipped, and now his brain was machinating the hundreds of different things that her phrasing could mean. And she knew it was coming.</p><p>“Nat did they every mess with you? Like they did with Barnes?”</p><p>“Not quite like him. It was subtler, I think.”</p><p>“Oh my god Nat.”</p><p>“It’s fine. It was a long time ago. There is no point in lamenting now. Please don’t- “</p><p>“Please don’t what? I know you like to put your emotions away into a little box so deep into your heart that you don’t feel them, but that doesn’t really work for me. Those assholes hurt you, and you are my friend. So yes, I am angry, and frustrated and shocked.”</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>Tony respected her wishes, and went back to loudly stabbing his omelet, mumbling something.</p><p>“Rogers should have told me about Barnes, about the winter soldier or whoever it was that killed my parents. Why does nobody tell me anything. I am- I was, his friend. We worked together for years and yes, we fought every now and then, but he kept this for what? What was the reason? Did he just not trust me?”</p><p>“He kept it from you so you wouldn’t be hurt. So you wouldn’t be worried. Very much for the same reasons that I didn’t tell you about the intel I sold. It’s not a matter of trust Tony.”</p><p>Tony finished his coffee without continuing the conversation. Natasha sat by him drinking her own.</p><p>“Speaking of hurt.” Tony said, “I didn’t mean it, when I said that thing about the double agent, after the fight. At the hospital- I was just so angry about Rhodey and Rogers and everything. I didn’t mean it. I was angry.”</p><p>“No Tony, you did mean it. It was shitty, and you meant it. It was our past playing against us. You thought I was playing you like back in 2010. It wasn’t like that. I just changed my mind at the wrong time.” Natasha said,</p><p>“I was trying to be polite” Tony said. “but you must admit, you chose a terrible time to change your mind. Want something to eat?”</p><p>“We’re going shopping Tony. You have literally nothing in your refrigerator, or shelves.”</p><p>“Excuse me, miss international fugitive, how do you plan to do that.”</p><p>“Nobody is looking for me in a wholefoods Tony. You shop, I shadow you and drop things by your cart now and then. We leave in ten.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I adore Nat and Bucky's relationship in the comics, so tragic I write about it to cope with it. :DD</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Brinicle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rebuilding a relationship by pieces.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They shopped all kinds of food, making sure he didn’t have to leave the base for a month at least. He made sure to wear some earphones to hide his communications device.</p><p>“Why didn’t you go back to the tower?” said a voice in his ear through the comms, Natasha’s voice. She was somewhere behind him. Looking civilian enough not to raise any flags. But she was right, who would look for a fugitive in a supermarket?</p><p>“I like this place.” Tony said, wearing one earphone, as if he were in the middle of a call. “The compound grounds are extensive enough that there aren’t any people around. It’s peaceful. In New York, half of the building is occupied by Stark Industries, and there are cars and helicopters and lights and people everywhere I go. Here I can shop for vegetables without anyone batting an eye at me.”</p><p>“Don’t you get bored?” she asked,</p><p>“Bored of what? I’ve been working nonstop on some tech I’m developing for renewable-resources energy production, it’s easy to concentrate without distractions.”</p><p>There weren’t any distractions, that was true. Lucky for the people who live in it, the world had been surprisingly quiet after the team’s downfall.</p><p>They had lunch, Natasha cooked. After that, Tony went down to the lab and Natasha followed, since he wanted to show her something. Insisted that she went.</p><p>There Tony pointed towards a big metal contraption, the complex system of lights illuminated the air, showing her the latest upgrades in his current project. It was a device that would theoretically enhance the production of wind-powered energy by 60%, only if Tony could fix the issue that the machine had. This is the project that has most of his attention right now.</p><p>He said something about how the alpha prototype wasn’t functional and some other technical mumbling, but she wasn’t paying attention. There is a container in the corner of the room that’s calling her.</p><p>“What is that?” she asked, pointing with her eyes to a desk full of tiny contraptions, bits of tactical fabric and straps, and something looking extremely similar to her widow bites.</p><p>“That is something I was working on, it’s based on your tech. In concept it’s the</p><p>same, in terms of power, well, its more powerful. Much more powerful. It packs a</p><p>punch. There’s other features I was trying to work into it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Does it work?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it doesn’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why?” she asked,</p><p> </p><p>“Because I never finished it.” He said,</p><p>“Will you? Ever finish it? I like your tech Tony. It’s good. Though the last suit you did was flashy, not the best for the type of thing I do. The blue lights aren’t exactly stealthy. But what are the other features anyway?”</p><p>“It’s an electromagnet, like the one Steve had, it’s what hold Steve’s SHIELD in place. I was watching over some footage of our team fighting, I’d seen you fight with his SHIELD a lot. I was trying to put it on your widow bites…but it interfered with the EMP of course. The electromagnet was strong enough to hold the SHIELD in place, and as a plus the bites would be stronger. But I ran into some trouble. Particularly the intensity of the electroshock, it was a little too strong. I’d like to incapacitate the enemy and not fry you in the process…I was trying to solve that, and then I forgot to finish it.”</p><p>“Well, I don’t see much use for it now.” She said, unapologetically.</p><p>Tony didn’t answer, as soon as she mentioned that the implementation would be useless, he glued his eyes to the screen where he was programing the windmill energy enhancer device.</p><p>“What’s up Tony” She said, noticing his demeanor.</p><p>“The nostalgia is hitting me a little hard.” He admitted,</p><p>“Me too. When I landed back here…walking into the compound was harder than I thought I would be.”</p><p>“Natasha Romanoff admitting feelings. I can’t believe it.” he teased,</p><p>“Hey!” she elbowed him,</p><p>“You really haven’t talked to Steve” he said, half asking.</p><p>“No, I haven’t.”</p><p>“Why do I feel like there’s something you’re not saying” Tony asked.</p><p>“I did talk to Sam Wilson. At some point. The guy is so annoyingly nice. It’s exhausting.” She said, because really, the man was so incredibly nice, the times they were on the same team.</p><p>“What did he want?” Tony asked,</p><p>“They needed passports. I helped them in 2014 with that. But I can’t help them now.”</p><p>“They didn’t invite you to their fugitive party? Whatever is that they’re doing now? I thought you left with them after the airport.”</p><p>“I went straight home after Germany” she said,</p><p>“Home…” he didn’t elaborate, maybe to let her explain, maybe he was confused. This was home for him, and for her too.</p><p>“One of my safehouses. In Europe.” She was ringing her hands, he noticed, “Seeing Barnes, and then him getting word-triggered… was a little too much. They did call.” She said, “I didn’t answer.”</p><p>“Was there someone you could talk to?” Tony asked,</p><p>Her heart warmed at his concern.</p><p>The thought came to her mind at the time. She felt lonely. Nobody knew where she was. European winters are freezing, there’s no central heat in her apartment, just blankets, some tea to warm up faster in the mornings. Days went by slower as they past. The parallels to her time running away from the Red Room felt heavier in her mind and heart every day.</p><p>Then Clint was put on house arrest, and he started calling. Things began to stabilize, as much as they could. She took a couple of jobs, nothing too complex, nothing too demoralizing; giving her enough cash in case she needed to run.</p><p>“Clint, eventually. When he got released. I didn’t want to talk to anyone really.” She said. “The Accords, then Barnes, then the fight in Germany, Rhodey. I needed some time. A moment to process everything.”</p><p>“I’m sorry that you went through that alone, Nat” Tony said,</p><p>“Thank you, I guess.”</p><p>“You guess?”</p><p>“I’m still grieving. It’s like I can’t have anything good for too long.”</p><p>“I know how you feel Nat. It gets better eventually.” Tony said.</p><p>It’s the afternoon, the sun setting under the forest like area far away from the building. They were still in the lab. Tony walked all over the place, moving things around and pressing buttons here and there.</p><p>She, on the other hand, was sitting on the opposite side of the table where Tony was working, reading one of those books that she once promised herself to read. Ross took everything in her room, hoping to find something useful against her. But he did not take the books in the common library. Ross never seemed like a man who pays attention to books, so it is no surprise that they were intact, except for the accumulated dust in their covers.</p><p>The best part is not the book itself, but the annotations of Wanda, who had apparently borrowed that same book at some point. The writings consisted of a mixture of Sokovian and English. Practically intelligible to Natasha, but certainly appreciated, for reminding her of the young witch.</p><p>Tony is looking at her, he had said something, but her mind was inside the book and thinking about Wanda. He repeated the question for her,</p><p>“I said, as much as I enjoy you here, Nat. I want to know - are you planning to stay?"</p><p>"Are you kicking me out?" she asked, teasingly.</p><p>"No, I'm not kicking you out. It is just that… Well, you already know how my head is.”</p><p>She knows that this isn’t heading to a nice conversation just by that.</p><p>“Every time I turn around my head screams <em>don't leave her alone, she might do something-</em> and I don't want to sound like the asshole you found lying on the couch last night but- "</p><p>"You need to trust me, and I'm not giving you the trust you need" she admitted,</p><p>"Something like that. When you say it like that, it sounds horrible. " Tony said,</p><p>“I don’t mind, this is not the first time it has happened."</p><p>"It still makes me feel like a jerk."</p><p>“I know how many times you have been betrayed Tony. I will not say that it is normal because normal people are not like us. I don’t judge you. I’m not angry, if that’s what you’re thinking. I elicit that reaction on people."</p><p>Tony was thinking. It didn't seem clear just by looking at him if he was thinking about his project, or about the things she was saying to him.</p><p>“What’s turning your gears?” she asked,</p><p>“I’m thinking about how similar we are. I don’t mean it as- what I mean is- Obviously I’m not a 5’6 red-haired Russian.  What I mean is, you think that me mistrusting you…its okay. And its not exactly the same, but I know what it feels like to have to adapt to people around me, so that they’re more comfortable, I had to, so that my father’s ego could inhabit the same house as the physical body.</p><p>I guess my point is, and this I learned from Pepper; don’t let people get comfortable with the nice version of yourself. I know it sounds weird that I’m saying it. I know that you choose to keep your story and your thoughts to yourself. I’m just saying, you don’t need to here. Not with me. If you’d like.”</p><p>She sighed, Tony always ends up poking the bear.</p><p>“I don’t like that you don’t trust me, and at the same time, I don’t expect you to feel any other way, because the mistrust is legitimate. I did something without telling you, and then I tried to hide it from you.” she said,</p><p>“Ugh, what I’m trying to say Romanoff, stubborn ass, is that I forgive you, but it’s going to take me some time to fully trust you again. I’m also trying to say that you can tell me stuff, if you want to… I’m saying that you don’t have to feel terrible about this anymore, because we’re moving forward.”</p><p>She nodded to his comment, not having anything to say about it.</p><p>"I plan to meet a contact in three days." She then said, as he worked on his own thing. “That’s where I’m going next…you asked before, I didn’t answer. We got derailed.”</p><p>Luckily, Tony wasn't looking at her. It would feel like taking a bullet to the knee to look him in the eyes while saying that. Sam Wilson is not a contact. He's a friend.  She did talk to him like she said to Tony, back in the first weeks post-Germany, she also talked to him a week ago.</p><p>"Rogers?"</p><p>"No. But I wouldn't be surprised to find him eventually. It seems like they are roaming Europe, there’s talk about it here and there." She said,</p><p>
  <em>Technically, it isn’t a lie.</em>
</p><p>Steve wouldn’t call himself yet. She knew he was probably wondering what they were now, there is no SHIELD to keep them partners, and no Avengers to keep them as teammates. But Sam wouldn’t just call her and tell her to fly to a random location. There were unspoken words to their little chat.</p><p>"I would tell you to send him my regards, but I doubt he wants to hear that from me." Tony said,</p><p>"If you really needed him, he would come." Natasha said.</p><p>“Yeah well, whatever… So, we have three days?" He said, not wanting to talk about Rogers,</p><p>"Two actually, I need one to travel."</p><p>"Two days then, the best two days you’ve ever had in this complex. Hopefully. Unless you’ve got more confessions about stolen schematics for me." He said, she looked grumpy.</p><p>“Humor is my coping mechanism Nat.” he said, “Ok, I promise there will be no more jokes about the matter-”</p><p>“Wait Tony… about your trust in me.” She paused, unsure still of her words, but she decided to just say it. “I would love to be able to assure that you can trust me.  If I could press a button to show you I would. I know my word is not enough for you. It wouldn't be for me either. I’m trying to be as honest as I can." she said.</p><p>“I appreciate it, Nat.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank for reading!  If you have any feedback its greatly appreciated! </p><p>Editing has been hard lately, there's a part of me that keeps wanting to add little bits of extra story to the main plot, but at the same time, I don't want to divert from the main story. We're closer to the end than I thought, even though its rounding off to 20k words. (originally it was 16k, I just keep adding little things!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Sunset</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After their talk, Tony was quiet until night fell. They left the lab to the same room where they first clashed. Tony ordered Chinese take-out for them.</p><p>A young boy came to drop it off on his bike, mesmerized with the complex and well, because Tony Stark had ordered Chinese food from his restaurant.</p><p>They sat on opposite sides of the table.</p><p>"Nat. Since we are in this mood of telling each other things. If you want- and I don't want to pressure you…what do you know about the death of my parents? "</p><p>Luckily Tony didn't notice her discomfort. Nat tried not to choke. She was quick enough to hide her reaction.</p><p>“Nothing much to be honest. It seems to me that Barnes was with HYDRA at the time. Or rather HYDRA had him. He clearly wasn’t there out of his own free will.”</p><p>Tony was good at going off on any topic, but mix some frustration in it, and you have a rant.</p><p>“I want to find the assholes who did this. With all my heart. I want justice. I want something done. Sure, my first reaction is to blame Barnes. Between Roger’s lies and righteous bullshit, the frustration of the agreements, I lost my grip and we fought. But in my heart and in my head, I know it’s not the poor man's fault.” He said.</p><p>She’d never heard anyone describe James as a poor man, but he really was. They had their time together, a nice one. He kept her going, she fantasized about running away with him sometimes. But apart from those intimate moments of holding each other in the dark, in which he whispered to her about never letting her go, the man was better of dead. </p><p>Tony’s ongoing commentary thankfully pulled her out of her head,</p><p>“And it is that; in reality, I have never experienced someone going into my head like they did to him... Nat? " Tony asked, checking in.</p><p>"I'm good. Seriously. It’s that these things always bring up repulsive memories. It's not your fault." She said,</p><p>“Red light then, Let's change the subject."</p><p>"No, it's okay. It is a part of me. And a part of Barnes too. I can't undo it just like that. Act like it never happened, as much as I would love to.”</p><p>She swirled her Chinese food around the box, as if it would give her some magical courage to talk about it.</p><p>“I’m not an expert on the subject. But I can tell you that the soldier is not exactly Barnes, and vice-versa. Something I tried to explain to Steve when we were hiding in Washington, but he insisted that the soldier would recognize him. Barnes nearly killed him. If it had been anyone else, Barnes would have killed him."</p><p>"Did he recognize <em>you</em> at some point?" Tony asked.</p><p>"No. For a moment… he spoke Russian. And I must admit that I lost my shit a bit. But then I realized that it probably had to do with… the pre-HYDRA programming rather than with the fact that he knew me.</p><p>I like to convince myself that he shot me clean in the shoulder because something in his unconscious stopped him from aiming at my heart. And believe me, he could have shot me in the heart."</p><p>"I'll be honest. It's hard for me to complain about Pepper and me when you tell me about you and him.”</p><p>Barnes was not a happy ever after. One of the many reasons she doesn’t share it. She can’t stand people’s pity.</p><p>Natasha smiled, hiding her melancholy, although now that Tony was looking at her there was no point trying to hide, he would see that she was trying to. With Tony its always one of two; he’s clueless, or he sees right through her. It was the latter now, but he was kind enough not to keep pushing.</p><p>“You and Pepper, I think you still have a chance. If you really commit. She loves you Tony, she really loves you. "</p><p>“It didn't feel like it when we broke up. And I don't want to mess it up… my mind was 100% on the Avengers back then, and if we ever… we team up again, I don't want her to stay for me if I can't give her all the time she needs.”</p><p>“Pepper doesn't want your time Tony, she wants your love, your attention. She is a busy woman herself. Think about it. If you need help, text me, I can help you write a killer apology" She giggled, “before Germany I would’ve said something like <em>just ask Rogers, I was his best wing-woman.” </em>She laughed<em>, </em>“but seriously, think about it. Don't be alone because you think you are not enough for her. "</p><p>"And you?" he asked, playfully.</p><p>"Me what?"</p><p>"Oh, don't play dumb. Do you have someone? These are lonely times, it was lonely times for all of us when we were here already. Have you found someone?”</p><p>Natasha thought of that lawyer in New York who used to invite her to hang out whenever he found out she was in town. It’s been like that for years, she ghosted him when Bruce came around, and even after that, the man had no problem inviting her over a few months after, when she texted him. Guaranteed good times, even though his apartment was shit. But he was never really someone. The truth is that after Banner, there had been no one else.</p><p>"Banner was tough.” Tony said, one of the instances where he saw right through her. “Don't worry, next time I see him I'll kick him to the ground. Moron."</p><p>“I still don't really know what Banner was. <em>This is</em> a red light, Tony." She said a little embarrassed.</p><p>"Well, if you find someone Nat, I hope they make you happy."</p><p>"Thanks Tony. I hope you and Pepper come back. And if not, then at least that you’re friends."</p><p>Tony then said he was going to work in the lab. He invited her to join him, but Natasha declined. She was tired and needed alone time. He walked to the lab as she left to the guest room.</p><p>The feeling of routine reigned in her heart. These talks that they had had in the afternoon were almost like the talks they had before, in some quiet morning or late at night. She found herself smiling. Even after Tony probed her with questions.</p><p>And it's just when things seem the best when chaos hits. The phone in her travel bag begins to vibrate. The screen reads Steve Rogers.</p><p>Natasha gives herself the luxury of not answering. Out of respect for Tony, but also because she knows that he is probably calling to ask her to join his new underground Avengers group. And she didn’t want to right now.</p><p>But then what? It's the same question that she had to ask herself all those years before, when she tried to separate herself from the Red Room. Look where that decision left her.</p><p>But it’s not him, she later finds out. Its Wanda. The woman borrowed Roger’s phone and when Natasha didn’t answer, she texted.</p><p>
  <em>I sure hope you really missed the call, and didn’t simply stare at the screen waiting for me to give up -W</em>
</p><p><em>Can’t talk. Will get u a phone.</em> She texted back, then turned the phone off.</p><p>It feels bad to close the door on the witch’s face, so to speak. Wanda left with them to Europe. <em>That’s good</em>, she thought. The woman could use some familiarity. Too much time in the states can make anyone go crazy.</p><p>Wanda stays in her mind, it’s almost impossible for Natasha not to get reminded of the girl when the book in her hands is full of her writing.</p><p> </p><p>The next morning the book is still in her hands when she wakes up. In other times, it would have been a knife. But she’s happy it’s a book. Wanda’s book.</p><p>She moved on to the shower, leaving the book on the bedside. Thank god for Tony’s bathroom designer. These showers were just built different. Nothing like the cold war 80’s aesthetic bathroom in her safehouse. She wrapped herself in a towel. She checked her reflection in the mirror on her way out. Her roots were starting to show again. But it wouldn’t be a problem yet.</p><p>Putting on some clothes, she went down to the main living area. Tony was waiting for the coffee maker to finish his cup. Around him a couple of holographic projections with the latest news. He was silent, but that wasn’t unusual of him before his first coffee.</p><p>"Hey there." she said</p><p>"Hey. Not to intrude, but I got an alert yesterday. Intercepting messages. There’s no one else in the complex. So, it is you.”</p><p>"Yeah, it was me." She said,</p><p>"You said you weren’t talking to them." Tony said</p><p>"I'm not. I'm actually avoiding them right now. It wasn’t him. It was Wanda. "</p><p>"Oh. Okay. Is she ok?” Tony’s demeanor changed immediately.</p><p>“She’s adapting. I think." She answered.</p><p>"It seems like she's always adapting." Tony lamented. He had a soft-spot for kids. Too soft. And seeing Wanda get dragged into the political mess that was Lagos, it added to his discomfort. He tried to protect her from it, and it backfired. By the end she didn’t even want to stay at the compound. She reduced vision to his knees and into the ground.</p><p>"Yeah. But she's strong." She tried to comfort him, with what was left. Wanda didn’t want his protection in the end. Even worse, she was imprisoned by the accords he condoned.</p><p>"So she’s with Rogers too?" he asked,</p><p>"I suppose so, if she’s calling from his burner." Nat said,</p><p>"It seems like he got all of the children in the divorce" Tony said,</p><p>"He didn’t get the favorite child" she teased,</p><p>"And who is that?" he asked,</p><p>"Me, duh"</p><p>Tony laughed at the obviousness of her answer, but he really hadn't seen it coming.</p><p>"Nat if he offers, you should go"</p><p>Natasha opened her eyes at him in disbelief.</p><p>“Listen, you gave me advise about Pepper, I can give you advice about pretty much anything after that. Steve Rogers might be a righteous little punk. A late blooming emo, but whatever his situation is, and wherever he is, he's going to try to fight for the good guys. And that's a good thing.” he explained,</p><p><br/>“Tony, I’m a spy. If I see two guys fighting in a back alley, I walk away. I save myself. Because there might be an opportunity in the future were their fight my serve my purpose. Steve on the other hand, jumps in. Breaks them off. Fights for the weak one if he has too, even if it might cost him his life.</p><p>He doesn’t know when to choose the fight. That is what led to all of this. It is his fault as much as it is ours, that the Avengers split. I told him a thousand times, that he couldn’t just go around picking fights just cause, always fought about it, and it ended up in this.”</p><p>Tony sighed, as if he was expecting her to say something like that.</p><p>“Given the opportunity to fight, or help change the world for better, I’m stuck here waiting for a reply from a committee. Rogers is out there in the street, he’ll fight dirty to protect people. That might have not been the optimal solution for the Avengers, but it is Steve’s MO. It’s always been. And sometimes I hate the man because of it, but the truth is, people sleep better because of him. If he offers, you should go.”</p><p>“Beautiful speech Tony” she teased,</p><p>“<span class="u">S</span>hut up Romanoff. Take the fucking advise, or I might change my mind. That righteous asshole…”</p><p>The rest of the day passes quickly. Faster than either of them wanted to admit. The feeling of familiarity is powerful. Neither of them had experienced the intimacy of sharing a space with someone in quite some time now. And to have been back in the complex, even for a couple of days ... Habituality abducted her. The feeling of security the place made her feel was soothing. The truth is that physically, her body didn't want to leave. A part of her mind neither.</p><p>Tony was right in what he said about Steve. Without SHIELD, and without the Avengers, there were few ways left to account for her past. Her next step was with Rogers and Wilson and Wanda in Europe, and who knows where else. Maybe Barnes too, if he was still with them.</p><p>That's how she found herself putting her little bag back together. Putting away the few things she had brought with her. She did not anticipate for any of this to happen.</p><p>She couldn’t have predicted Tony completely drunk the day she arrived, Pepper just said <em>he’s not right, not answering my calls</em>. Nor did she predict that she would have to face his rage at knowing the truth. Not the blessed escape to Barton Farm, her home when the ground seemed to shake. She also didn't expect Tony to take her apology, her attempted apology, so quickly. And yes, he himself admitted that he had a hard time trusting her like before, but at least they could look into each other's eyes.</p><p>She was amazed by her own candor. Not even with Rogers in Washington had she been so honest. He didn't even know about her true relationship with Barnes.</p><p>Last time that she had mentioned the room, the techniques that they used, was when Clint came to his senses in the Helicarrier. And since Ultron she hadn’t thought of Banner. Exposing herself was out of character for her, definitely, but for the better.</p><p>All those years of trying to leave Black Widow behind, <em>Natalia </em>behind<em>.</em> The inseparable symbiosis between those two.</p><p>These two days, they felt so far away from both of them. Madame would be deeply disappointed, and that's a good thing. A reason to continue moving forward.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tony stopped her before she could sneak out. She hoped that he would be  distracted enough in his inventions so that he wouldn’t notice her departure.</p><p>Farewells were always difficult for her. But Tony being Tony, he was attentive to her every move.</p><p>"Do you want to leave without saying goodbye Nat? You really are the worst. I even bought you Chinese food." He said,</p><p>"I’m not good at goodbyes Tony." She answered,</p><p>"Are you taking all of your things with you?" Tony asked</p><p>"Yes, of course I have my things, shellhead."</p><p>“I'm saying it because it's not like you can show up around here just like that, Ross sends people from time to time to spy. I don't want you in jail Romanoff. It would be like giving Ross a bow-tied present, and that's the last thing I want. "</p><p>"I have to go Tony" she pushed him. She didn’t want to, but there was a schedule to be met. </p><p>"I know I know. I bring you these." He said, showing her the contraptions.</p><p>"Are these the widow bites?" she asked,</p><p>Yes. I fixed them. If you bring his shield close, it will respond to your arm as well."</p><p>"He's going to ask where I got this." She said,</p><p>“Well, make something up Romanoff. You don't need me for that."</p><p>"Well, I'll see there. Thanks Tony. It's pretty cool" she said,</p><p>"Take care Nat"</p><p>"You too Tony."</p><p>Tony watched her walk toward the Quinjet and up the ramp until she was gone. He stared until the ship disappeared, camouflaging itself with the sky.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's it! It's done.</p><p>A/N:  As you can see across the story, Nat doesn't share the entire spectrum of whatever she knows in several occasions. Sometimes, she leaves out one or two details, like when she's talking to tony and she decides not to talk about the sex work, or about her contact in Europe.  I don't think it is in Nat's nature to be 100% transparent, so I didn't write her to be.  Even if this story is about honesty and transparency, the character has always kept bits of truth when she talks, so I chose to follow that.  </p><p>It's a little sad to think about it, since Tony does lay all of his cards on the table, all of the time. It angers him when other people don't (literally the plot of the last third of CACW)</p><p>The lawyer in New York she's referring to is Matt Murdock (Daredevil) it's a thing in the comics. I've said it like 20 times but I love to mix the MCU with comics when I can. </p><p>There's mentions of brainwashing. Also comic related, there's several occasions of brainwashing in Natasha's existence. It's not as visually terrifying as the winter soldier with hydra like we see in the MCU, but the objective is still the same and that's horrible in itself. </p><p> </p><p>Will there be a second part? I have no idea. My area is heading into another round of strict lockdowns, if there's a worthy follow up to her story, then I'll try to write it. And if it is any good, I'll post it. </p><p>Thank you to everyone that gave kudos and to that one person who commented ❤️🦎 every other chapter. I don't know what  it means, but I noticed you! Thank you for that!</p><p>Thanks Emily for correcting my hellish Spanglish related spelling mistakes.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Your comments are my drug. Please comment. Subscribe because I'll upload more!<br/>Maybe!<br/>*winks*<br/>who knows!<br/>*winks*<br/>its like Russian roulette!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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